RSSMix.com Mix ID 19278

Admit Three To Jail

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:00:00 -0400

A trio of Florida scammers is facing felony fraud and grand theft charges for allegedly selling tickets to a nonexistent rap concert.

Which Actress Calls Her Assistant the N-Word? [Blind Items]

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:22:39 -0400

This actress casually drops racist slurs, another is an incurable stoner, another is a helpless coke head, another is a horrible mother and fighting with child services. As Mrs. Garrett would say, "Girls, girls, girls!"

1. "This about to hit A list television actress on a fairly new hit network show shocked all of her fellow cast and the crew after she was handed a cup of coffee by a production assistant. After the production assistant had walked away, she had a sip, turned around and said, 'that f**king n***er can't even make a cup of coffee. They should fire him.' You could have heard a pin drop." [CDaN]

2. "This (ditzy) movie A-List actress smoked so much pot in her honey wagon on the set of one of her films that the company that rented the trailer had to rip all the carpet out and repaper the walls. They demanded that the studio collect the money from the actress, but the studio is nervous about pissing her off because for some inextricable reason she still brings seats into the theaters, so they put the responsibility back on the rental company. They say it's up to the rental company to collect the money and now the jilted business is threatening to out the actress' little habit. Not Charlize Theron." [BuzzFoto]

3. "Which celebrity mother has been reported to social services about her parenting on at least three occasions?" [Popbitch]

4. "Which Hollywood queen has a very white habit? Over the last few months her agents and publicists have been engaged in some creative damage-limitation work to make sure the fact that she doesn't seem to care who she shares her powder with doesn't derail what is already an award-winning career." [Popbitch]

5. "This story is going to sound very familiar: A supposedly really nice famous guy cheats on his beautiful and classy and loyal wife. People are appalled—nay, shocked!—that he could do such a thing. Just wait, though, because this story is going to get much better (or much worse, depending on how you look at it). This wasn't the first time this happened to this television reality guy. Expect more girls to come crawling out of the woodwork within the next few of days. And, just like in the case of that famous athlete, they will be the exact opposite of his wife. For example, there's definitely more than one porn star in the mix. Don't feel too sorry for his actress wife, though. She knew exactly what she was getting when she married him. She was not exactly blind-sided by the news. She just never thought he would embarrass her so publicly. Oh, and it won't matter how many times he apologizes. He's a dead man." [Blind Gossip]

Runway of Death

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:42:26 -0400

Tyra Banks will literally kill a bitch on ANTM this year. (DListed) Tina Fey is looking hot, and Photoshopped. (Popoholic) Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost is hot and loves cake. So does the fat guy from Lost, but he's not so...

Kristen Stewart looking surprisingly good and other news

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:00:00 -0400

- Miley Cyrus should give lessons to Amanda Seyfried. [Lainey Gossip] - Michelle "Bombshell" McGee pulls a Joslyn James. Or is it vice versa? [Dlisted] - Padma Lakshmi's baby daddy was apparently a mystery. Until now. [PopEater] - Jessica... ...read full story

Fabiola Fugacasa

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 18:00:33 -0400

On one hand, socialite Fabiola Beracasa must be deeply enjoying what a TOTAL TRAINWRECK follow socialite Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show High Society has turned out to be. I mean, that thing has...

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Jesse James apologizes to Sandra Bullock

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:55:00 -0400

Jesse James released the following statement to People today apologizing to his family for recent reports of an affair with stripper/porn star Michelle "Bombshell" McGee (above): "The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounde ...read full story

Big Fug

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:00:24 -0400

This is an unusual take on the school girl uniform:C. Sev looks like senior class president at Hipster Dominatrix High. Common textbook purchases include Do You Really Need That Pole?:Basic Dungeon...

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Tiger Woods is romantic

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:50:00 -0400

Because hush money doesn't go as far as it used to these days, Joslyn James has launched an entire website dedicated to posting text messages she supposedly received from Tiger Woods during their affair. Here's just a couple samples... ...read full story

Well Played, Kristen Stewart

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:00:21 -0400

Has K. Stew gotten a new stylist? SOMETHING'S happening, because this is the third event in a row that she's worn something I really like:Scratch that: I LOVE this dress. It looks like it was made...

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Holly Madison wins St. Patrick's Day

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:00:00 -0400

As a full-time drunk/part-time appreciator of midgets as props, I can safely say Holly Madison has completely captured the very essence of St. Patrick's Day better than anyone puking into a shamrock hat last night. I'd almost qualify this... ...read full story

What Will Happen on Sarah Palin's Alaska-Themed Reality Show? [Speculation]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:41:34 -0400

Word came this morning that two networks, A&E and Discovery, are fighting over quitting governor Palin's proposed reality series about her native homeland, the Alaska. Which she would host. If this thing actually goes to air, what'll it be like?

Well, naturally, we have some ideas.

Episode 1: "Just 30 Minutes Away from Alaska"
This is what hokey-jokey Alaskans say about Anchorage, because it is so urban that it's really not part of the real Alaska. So this episode wil feature Future President Palin walking around and pointing out all the trendy elitist shopping districts. She'll go into a restaurant to try the food, Rachael Ray-style, and will want to look sorta classy for the cameras, so she'll order a glass of white wine ("A wine, please") but then the waiter will ask "Would you like to see the wine list?" and Sarah will guffaw and make a "Is this guy crazy or what?" look to the camera and she'll say "Forget it, I'll just have an Alaskan Amber." Later, she'll see a homeless Inuit woman servicing two drifters in an alleyway and she'll look into the camera and say "Looks like we got ourselves a community organizer over here, huh?" That's Sarah!

Episode 2: "The Coldest Winter I Ever Spent..."
This will be the inevitable Wasilla episode, in which Sarah returns to her tribal lands and gets a hero's welcome. Mostly she'll parade down the main street with a rifle, shooting at various moose and wolves and Asian people that have been set up beforehand by loyal townsfolk. She'll then take us on yet another tour of her house, with Todd standing awkwardly in the corner and, if you look close enough, Levi peering in a window, naked. After she cooks "us" up a big mess of moose chili, she'll take us to one of the hottest stores in town, the rape kit store, where abused women can go and tremblingly fork over money for their very own kits. There will then be the Parade of Palins, with the whole clan processing around town waving. The whole thing ends at a big book burning outside city hall and everyone laughs and cheers until it gets dark and everyone goes to bed, at 2pm.

Episode 3: "Drill, Baby, Drill"
To promote Alaska's leadership in the field of energy, Sarah will take us up to Prudhoe Bay and ANWR and all that fun stuff and we'll get to watch as she herself mans a drill that plunges deep into the virgin ground and she laughs and laughs and hoots and hollers as hot oil splashes all over her face and the wolves howl and the world burns.

Now your turn! What else will happen on Sarah Palin's Alaska?

[Pic via Getty]

Sophie Howard Topless Pictures are Nuts

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:01:28 -0400

It's been a while, but Sophie Howard is back, and as sexy as ever in the latest issue of Nuts magazine. In this issue, Sophie goes through the A - Z of Sex, which is good as far as...

Boy For Sale?

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:00:00 -0400

Though it reads like a hoax, Washington cops are investigating a Craigslist ad that recently offered a four-year-old boy for sale, according to court documents filed this week.

Fug Madness 2010, Round One: Madonna Bracket

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:00:00 -0400

(6) MADONNA vs. (11) MELODY THORNTONI can't decide where the heck I think Madonna is going.If I had to guess, I'd say she's on her way to a yacht owned by the Mother Superior of an incredibly old...

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Candice Swanpoel Does a Sexy Dance in Esquire

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:45:41 -0400

You what I like about magzines? They do all the hard work of getting sexy models to dance around in skimpy outfits and then take pictures and video of it so I don't have to. As if I could...

Britney Spears saw Jason Trawick shoot a nun. That's the only explanation here.

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:35:00 -0400

Despite reports of a break-up, Britney Spears and Jason Trawick were spotted shopping together in Beverly Hills yesterday essentially confirming her dad's paying him a shit-ton of money. I mean, there's no way these two are having sex. It'd... ...read full story

The Real World: A Study of Recidivism Rates in Young Women [Recaps]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:32:25 -0400

In the summer of 2009, the American Psychological Association conducted a study in which it placed one crazy woman in a house at 2000 S St. in Washington D.C. to see if she could stay for three months. She failed.

The study concluded that Erika Wolfcryer was doomed to failure because of three conditions: depression, attachment to her boyfriend, and general craziness. After entering into the house with the greatest of intentions and getting along well with all the housemates, she quickly slid into a pattern of fighting with other girls, moping around the house, and spending countless hours on the phone with her boyfriend Ian—a puffy rocker type who looks like the fat younger brother of the old bassist from Interpol. She would often threaten to leave the house so that her fragile self-esteem could be boosted by her housemates who would beg and plead that she stay.

Erika is the kind of girl who proved that she loves to talk a good game, but could really do little to back it up. She is supposedly trying to start a music career, but unlike Josh, her less talented roommate who got together the gumption to form Wicked Liquid (the least known band with the most merchandise in the whole world), she couldn't do anything but sing one song at one concert by some band that no one ever heard of. Repeated attempts to get a band together failed, and she barely bothered to write songs even though she claimed that is the way she lets her soul breathe.

It didn't help that her cohort, Andrew Pandahat, the kind of kid who doesn't fret much about deadlines but says he wants to work for a newspaper, networked for about 30 seconds and got a gig writing for D.C.'s foremost right-wing propaganda machine owned by the Moonies. He got to go to the White House and ~~meet~~ look at President Obama! They even published his cartoon. Sure, it wasn't based on its own merits but because he was on some reality show or something, but it is an accomplishment Erika could never muster.

Then her boyfriend came to visit. He'd been pestering and bothering her for months how excited he was to see Ford's Theatre and the Newseum and how she couldn't leave the house before he got there, and she stayed. As important as it is for her ego to be stroked by those around her, it is even more important that she please her man. Her entire identity is composed of vague notions of longing that she doesn't have the energy or fortitude to fulfill and the fact that she has a boyfriend in a band. It is a fragile persona indeed.

Once he arrives—with a bunch of similarly outfitted pilot fish in his wake—she can't leave his side. She threatens to leave again. At this point, after making the decision unsuccessfully three times, she is finally going to do it. Yes, her bags are packed. She must stay with her boyfriend. But wait! She will give her roommates once last chance. If they say they will "tie her down and make her stay" then she will have the emotional fortitude to stay. She pleads with them and says she will forgo her happiness to stay with them.

This is the wrong case to make. The are sick of her pleading and tired of her fake outs. They let her go, and she is upset about it. She is less of a person now that people won't fight for her presence. Now she will go back to Ohio and sit around a cafe in Columbus where she runs the open mic night. Her boyfriend and all her friends will come and whenever she plays a song, they clap furiously. It's like when the audience at Peter Pan claps, bringing the fairy back to life so she can flit and flutter about the theater. Yes, that's what she needs. Not the approval of seven strangers, but the love of millions! She will be very, very famous. Or she'll die fat and bitter in Columbus, never having made it out, never finding anyone who will clap for her ever again.

Fug Madness 2010, Round One: Charo Bracket

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:46 -0400

(1) RIHANNA vs. (16) JESSICA SIMPSON[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]RIHANNA: Hello, Jessica... ica... ica... a... a... a...J.SIMP: Hi, Rihanna. Nice to see you. I can't believe I'm here. Should I...

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Heidi Montag missed a spot

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:40:00 -0400

I honestly don't know if there's anything specifically wrong with Heidi Montag's ass cheeks in these photos, but I do know just posting them here will make her drop another small fortune on surgeries until she looks like a... ...read full story

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee Nude Picture Ends Sandra Bullock's Marriage

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:33:30 -0400

Okay, I really, really, really don't care about actual celebrity gossip, and especially not gossip about Sandra Bullock, but this one is a little different since it involves a naked, tattooed stripper. So, the story, from what I care...

Fug Madness 2010, Round One: Bjork Bracket

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:00:18 -0400

(6) CARRIE UNDERWOOD vs. (11) FABIOLA BERACASAWhenever we see a celeb wearing giant sleeves, I often wonder what they've got up them; in Carrie's case, it was a high Fug Madness seeding that was...

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Snooki killed somebody. No, really.

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:40:00 -0400

To the shock of pretty much no one, RadarOnline has discovered Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of was charged with selling booze to minors during a party at her house that ended with the drunk driving death of a teenager: Snooki... ...read full story

It's Official: Andr Leon Talley Is the Best Thing About America's Next Top Model [Judging Judges]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:02:26 -0400

There's a new queen of campy ridiculous on Tyra Banks' high-end public access show and he happens to moonlight as Vogue editor Anna Wintour's right-hand man. Welcome to the Andr Leon Talley report card.

This was the second episode of this cycle of ANTM, but the first to have a judging component and an excuse to have two doses of ALT in one episode. When Tyra introduced him to the girls as "the black queen who ate Miss J," they sort of clapped and applauded but they had no idea who he is or what his nebulous title at Vogue involves. Actually, I don't know what he does either, other than write a little something every once in awhile, take Anna to runway shows, and play tennis in the entire Louis Vuitton spring collection. Of course, Tyra told them and they pretended to care.

Andre is obviously Ty-Ty's new toy and she loves him more than she loves the crummy old judges. She'll err on the side of Vogue's editor-at-large rather than some "noted fashion photographer" and whatever corporate sponsor happens to be guest judge that week. Watching them look at the photographs of the girls is like watching two 16 year-olds flip through their old yearbooks.

We quickly learned that his judging style alternates between harsh and fawning, and there's a whole lot of gibberish and foreign-sounding words sprinkled into his commentary. He even contributed something to the ever-growing ANTM lexicon. His new word is "dreckitude" which means awful—kind of like dreck with an attitude. Let's take a look at both of his appearances.

Outfit: A crisp white shirt with his signature giant black tent structure over it.
Accessory: A huge chain with a tusk (or talon) placed delicately to the side.
Agreeability: He disagreed with Nigel Barker on several counts and was the only one who liked this model's lousy picture after everyone made fun of it. We think it's because she cried. But Anna wouldn't like this show of weakness.
Education: We not only learned a little French, but also what a salon is. Servicey!
Uses of "Dreckitude": Zero.
Grade: For the first exposure to ALT on the show, this was all we could have hoped for. It was equal parts daffy, fawning, and bitchy. Sort of like watching your rich uncle at a Chuck E. Cheeze birthday party. (A-)

Outfit: Navy mock turtleneck with a purple tent.
Accessory: The Amulet of Aggamatto dangling amid his ample bosom
Agreeability: He got along with everyone, mostly, except guest judge Rachel Roy. Now she will never appear in Vogue again.
Education: A short dissertation on the beauty of model Naomi Sims.
Uses of "Dreckitude": 2
Grade: Much more sedate, but he managed to scare the girls with his candor and his quick dismissal of one girl's picture. We were glad they were shocked out of their complacency. (B+)

Fug Madness 2010, Round One: Cher Bracket

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:00:07 -0400

(1) LADY GAGA vs. (16) BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD[PLEASE NOTE: Each contestant's archive is linked here at the top of each match-up, for handy review of their past transgressions]By now, we're all well...

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Sandra Bullock got the f-ck out

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:50:00 -0400

Further confirming reports her husband Jesse James had sex with a walking tattoo, Sandra Bullock has already packed up and left, according to People: The actress left the Southern California house she shares with James just days before a... ...read full story

American Idol: The Corrections [Recaps]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:00:36 -0400

Well, that was more like it, no? After last week's horrifying — truly horrifying! — bloodbath eliminations, yesterday we saw three deserving singtestants shoved into the bottom three and the worst of the bunch was sent home.

I'm sure Lacey Brown is a perfectly nice person and all, but homegirl just did not have the chops to be among the Final 12 on America's most celebrated electoral process. Many brilliant scientists have gone mad trying to decipher just how the Idol voting really works, so I won't try to figure out why it was that Lacey and two deserving companions — Paige Miles and Whizzenpoof Spizzwinks — were in the bottom three this week and yet managed to squeak past three far more deserving contestants just seven days ago. But just know that it happened and that this is a good thing and hopefully things will progress in a similar fashion. It's not too late to save America!

Speaking of saving, they're bringing back the Judges' Save. Yeah, that old clam. The thing about the Judges' Save is that it's dumb. It's just plain dumb. And it's also kind of cruel to watch some never-gonna-be-rescued kid warble for their life while Simon and Randy and Ellen and that dung beetle pretend to seriously discuss whether or not they should keep her around. These people are judges on a reality show because they are not actors, so making them try to act once a week is an exercise in cruel futility. Mostly Simon just makes jokes and probably tells people little anecdotes about what Ryan did in the dressing rooms this morning, while Kara closes her eyes, squeezes them so so tight, and wishes that she was in the competition this year, she would do so well, just you see Mr. Fuller, just raise the age limit, just once, please Mr. Fuller?

So that was that. I'm sure that terrified legions of Teen Texterz will now circle the giggle-wagons around Whizzenpoof and he will be carried, Hercules-like, up to the golden thrones of Olympus, borne on the zitty backs of Mallory and all her friends. Or I don't know! Again, trying to find pattern or thread in American Idol voting is like searching for meaning in a Kara DioGuardi song. All you end up with is a bunch of mountains and stars and hopes and reaching and none of it makes much sense at all.

~~Your lesbian aunt Karen~~ David Cook came back and sang yet another strangely dated ditty, so that was good. When I went to the Idols Live! concert in Worcester, MA two frittered-away summers ago, he was acting like he was Bono or something. Standing on railings and raising his hands in the air as if he controlled the whims and shrieks of the universe, not just those of a few hundred teen New Englanders and their about-to-shoot-themselves parents at the Worcester Centrum. (I was there strictly for research/ironic purposes, I promise you. Also: Jason Castroooooooooo.)

Anyway! Somebody named Orpheus or Orkin or something came out and screeched something at as for a while, so that was really unpleasant. And then with a great thudding and falling down the stairs came Ke$ha, stumbling like a bargain basement homemade drag Lady Gaga around the stage, yelling about various things and continuing to shill for the Jack Daniels corporation. Then people with giant TVs for heads came out and did a dance with her and if any parents were watching with their kids, they probably sighed and looked down at their daughter and her weird friend Mallory clasping their hands and swaying back and forth in delight and they felt the weary press of years and tastes and they thought about September girls and December boys, and somewhere up in the night sky a star fizzed and winked and the world was, as miraculously as ever, room enough for all of it.

Which Young Actor Has Fake Hair? [Blind Items]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 10:11:05 -0400

He's secretly bald and using a piece. And so young! This actress was smoking meth in rehab and this actor got both his girlfriend and another lady pregnant at the same time. Everything is a sham!

1. "This hot young actor has all the girls swooning over his good looks, his cool manner, and his gorgeous hair. Too bad the latter isn't all his. Yes, even men have their hair enhanced to make them always look like they're a few weeks late for a trip to a barber. Don't run your fingers through this guy's hair, though. If you get caught in the Virgin Indian Remy, he might bite you." [Blind Gossip]

2. "This stunning B list movie actress has been in rehab before. Recently she was in rehab again. It didn't last long though. Two days into her most recent stint she was kicked out when she was caught smoking meth with another patient. She has since moved on to another rehab facility where she is a few days short of completing her 30 days." [CDaN]

3. "This male celebrity, who has done mostly television has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. It's old news, he already twittered it we think. What is a big deal is the other girl he just got pregnant. If our counting is correct, the two babies will be born within months of each other. Not Mario Lopez." [BuzzFoto]

Eat, Pray, Love Trailer: Maybe Magical, Maybe Just Annoying [Trailers]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 10:00:00 -0400

Whether you loved or hated Eat, Pray Love the book, the trailer for the Julia Roberts movie raises the question of whether the book's charms can translate on film, or whether this just is a pretty person in pretty places.

The trailer for the movie, out in August, features lush and beautiful landscapes, peopled by a wise Balinese man, a sad-looking Billy Crudup, a devoted James Franco, and a black best friend. But sorry, gang — Javier Bardem is in this movie too. Mm-hmm.

As Sadie put it in her review of Committed:

Elizabeth Gilbert is an easy target. Ever since Eat, Pray, Love, she's been a byword for a certain kind of navel-gazing modern entitlement that cherry-picks from cultures and spiritual traditions in a quest for self-fulfillment. Yet the phenomenal success of that book shows Gilbert was onto something — or at least that she's a likable enough writer that she can get away with a lot.

In the absence of the Gilbert's self-aware writing that charmed so many people, will this movie come off as even more privileged and self-indulgent than Gilbert's critics alleged her book was? Or is it enough — or maybe even more fun — to actually visit these places onscreen with some of Hollywood's most attractive stars? If anyone can convey charm, it's Julia Roberts.

Earlier: You Will Hate Elizabeth Gilbert For Making You Love Eat, Pray, Love
Committed: In Which Elizabeth Gilbert Wrestles With More First World Problems In The Third World
Did Eat Pray Love Sell Millions Because Elizabeth Gilbert Cheated On Her Husband?
Eat Pray Love Author Talks To Guardian, Engages Gag Reflex

Taylor Lautner Can Buy and Sell Your Ass [Trade Roundup]

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 09:59:23 -0400

It's true, he's very rich. Also today: A romantic comedy duo for the ages, a softer approach from a 24 man, Nickelodeon has deep pockets, and The Hobbit begins its journey!

Oh, good. Natalie Portman, beloved crush object of straight boys who sing a cappella, is finally teaming up with her Cary Grant, Ashton Kutcher — beloved crush object of aphids and wood ticks. They'll be starring together in a romantic comedy written by cult-ish playwright Elizabeth Meriwether, tentatively called Friends with Benefits. (Which is also the name of a current TV pilot, but Meriwether's original title, Fuckbuddies, probably wasn't going to play in word-panic America.) Oscar nominee Portman and People's Choice Award hopeful Kutcher will be directed by Six Days, Seven Nights director Ivan Reitman. A dream project on all fronts, really. [Variety]

Miranda Cosgrove, star of America's favorite TV show iCarly, has just become a very rich teenager. She's signed a deal with Nickelodeon to continue on the anarchic cyberpunk David Cronenberg series for 26 more episodes, so long as she's paid "low to mid seven figures." iCarly might have six million dollars and you might have none. The world tilts. [THR]

Speaking of kids making a lot of money. Taylor Lautner, the newly-18-year-old set of abs currently inciting your daughter's sexual awakening, will be paid $7.5M for his next film, an exacting Michael Winterbottom drama called Stretch Armstrong. Yes, somewhere someone has enough money to pay the star of the gymnastics team nearly ten million dollars to say words and take his shirt off in a movie based on a toy that stretches. Either the economy is fixed, or it's more broken. [TheWrap]

Find a nerd and hug them (hugging yourself counts too). Ian McKellan — beloved crush object of pretty much everyone, just admit it — announced on his website that The Hobbit will begin filming this July in New Zealand. He says that casting is currently happening in New York and LA, so put on your elf ears or hobbit feet or orc face and get on out there! This could be your chance to be the next Billy Boyd! [Ian McKellan's web site]

Abbie Cornish, beloved crush object of Reese Witherspoon, is capitalizing on her Bright Star reviews and lining up two new movies. She'll star in Dark Fields with Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro and in Madonna's W.E., about the affair between King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. Because, you know, Madonna is just exploring her native country's history. [Variety]

24 showrunner Howard Gordon, beloved crush object of Richard B. Cheney, has decided on his next TV project. As is currently in fashion, he'll adapt an Israeli series for American audiences. He's taking their hit Prisoners of War and turning it into the patriotically-named Patriots, about three soldiers gone missing and considered dead in the 2003 liberation of WMDs who return ten years later and try to readjust to life at home. We'd expect nothing less from a 24 showrunner, frankly. [THR]

I've Always Wanted to Live in Lima

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:51:01 -0400

Adriana Lima is frickin' hot. (CollegeHumor) Mackenzie Phillips got a new face. It's not an improvement. (DListed) Looks like Heidi Montag forgot to get the Liposuction. (Popoholic) Lindsay Lohan's dad had a heart attack. So I guess that means he...

Sandra Bullock should probably get tested

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:55:00 -0400

Because Jesse James banged this without a condom. I'm not saying all women with tattoos who fuck married man have VD, but I'm also not saying "You just got Blind Sided!" hasn't become the proper medical term for genital... ...read full story

Remember Fug

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:00:39 -0400

ROBERT PATTINSON: Hey, Claire.EMILIE DE RAVIN: Hi, Edward.R PATTZ: You look kind of cute.EMILIE: That doesn't sound very enthusiastic.R PATTZ: Well, you know. It's a lot of black lace. It's rather...

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Angelina Jolie & Johnny Depp on a boat and other news

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:20:00 -0400

- Mackenzie Phillips got ripped off. [Dlisted] - Lady GaGa is goddamn MacGuyer. [Lainey Gossip] - Pamela Anderson's vagina won't stop at shorts. Mark my words. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Jennifer Aniston still doesn't get movie premieres. [ ...read full story

Fug the Cover: Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:00:16 -0400

[Photo: W Magazine]I know it's not supposed to, but this cover cracks me up. Gerard Butler is too wacky to pull off that expression without looking like he's being sarcastic about it, and while...

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Well Played...ish: Amber Rose

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:02:39 -0400

It's like Amber Rose KNOWS she's about to face Thomas Jane and Patricia Arquette in round one of Fug Madness, and she's decided to retract the crazy temporarily:What she doesn't realize is, this...

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Lindsay Lohan texted her dad in the hospital

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:00:00 -0400

Michael Lohan claims Lindsay sent him a text after learning he suffered a heart attack yesterday, according to RadarOnline: "I got a text message from Lindsay which read: 'OMG. Hope you are okay' and my other kids have all... ...read full story

Kirstie Alley's Fug Life

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:00:56 -0400

Look, I would happily see Kirstie Alley return to Hollywood prominence. She was awesome back in the day on Cheers. That being said, walking unshod around Manhattan recalls not her own glory days but...

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What's In A Name?

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:00:00 -0400

In light of recent high-profile name changes (see ACORN and Bernard Madoff's daughter-in-law), here is a collection of court applications filed by individuals desperate to ditch their given surnames.

This Week In Tabloids: Sandra's Husband Had An Affair; Justin Might Be Cheating On Jessica [Midweek Madness]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:40:00 -0400

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I judge Star, In Touch, Us, Life & Style and Ok!. This week: Sandra Bullock's husband is having an affair; Jen's getting artificially inseminated and Tinsley Mortimer is a hair model!

Ok!
"Ten Lbs. In 10 Days!"
Margaret learned that Kendra's diet plan includes eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, toast for lunch, and raw vegetables and a small piece of chicken breast for dinner. Snooze. (And how is this an exclusive if we already saw her pouring corn flakes into a blender and she already told us how she lost 25 lbs in 8 weeks?) Even though we previously read that this woman felt bad about her body and wanted a breast reduction, this week she's "in her sexiest shape ever!" In other news: Emma Roberts and Taylor Lautner may be dating because at the Vanity Fair Oscar party they talked for 40 minutes with her hand on his knee! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are definitely planning to have another baby, but he says getting pregnant has to be Katie's decision. How noble! "Though they love his adopted son Connor, Tom must want a biological son to pass on the gene pool," says a source. In an interview, when asked if she thinks it's possible for exes to get back together, Jennifer Aniston said yes. So the headline here is "Jen's Message To Brad." A source says: "In her heart, Jen has always felt that Brad's relationship with Angelina is just a very passionate fling." Five years and six kids is a fling? We are literally ROTFL over here! Cameron Diaz fought the studio to get her ex, Justin Timberlake, in the movie Bad Teacher — an insider says Cameron "really pushed it."Apparently they wanted Bradley Cooper, Paul Rudd or some other "real actor," but Cam convinced them JT would be great. She also asked for the love scenes to be rewritten so that they are "even juicier" and "longer."
Grade: F (ANTM reject)

Us
"Growing Up Too Fast."
This cover story is all about how celebrity kids live luxurious lives. Suri Cruise is "a little adult whose parents don't talk down to her." She is also a "Pellegrino-sipping girl" who "travels in private jets and chauffeured cars." Honor Warren (Jessica Alba's daughter) is 21 months old, and has a $120 Bonpoint cardigan. Madonna's daughter Mercy James has a $128 Stella McCartney for Gap blazer and a $235 D&G bag. Nahla Aubry has a $135 Bonpoint blouse; Matilda Ledger has a Petite Bateau rain jacket which retails at $120. The mag points out that Suri once wore a $635 Holmes & Yang dress, but since her mom designed it, we doubt she paid for it. Next: Justin Timberlake was at Tao in Las Vegas on March 10, and a cocktail waitress had her hands on his chest, under his jacket. The lady's name is Joey Williams, and she's brown with dark hair. A friend of Justin's swears she's not his type: "He's into athletic tomboyish white girls." So that's settled. Kate Winslet agreed to shoot the miniseries Mildred Pierce in NYC, but Sam Mendes wanted to stay in the UK. "Kate told Sam, 'Your career is not more important than mine,'" says a source. Hence the split. Last week, one tabloid had the word "ditched" on a story about Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick; now she sets the record straight, saying "We are tired of the lies [our baby] brought us together. Our relationship is stronger." Kim adds: "They are so in love." Whatever! Lastly: There's nothing new in the four-page story about Corey Haim.
Grade: D- (car show model)

Life & Style
"Corey's Final Days."
There are lots of old pictures of Corey Haim and details about all the times he went into rehab here, if you are interested. Moving on: Justin Timberlake "humiliated" Jessica Biel by hanging out with a Vegas cocktail waitress (see image 7). A "witness" says "She had dark curly hair, and big boobs — of course." There's a picture of the lady in question here and her rack is not that big, but let's continue. The source says: "He looked like he was definitely out to hook up." Mmkay? Kate Gosselin has been spending "late nights with a married man," and guess what? He's her Dancing With The Stars partner, Tony Dovolani. They went to a 7:45 showing of Alice In Wonderland, and Tony didn't get back to his hotel until 5:30 am. Tori Spelling's marriage is "in crisis." She's "grown tired" of single-handedly supporting the family — in addition to supporting Dean's pricey hobby, motorcycle racing. Apparently Dean "has very little money of his own." In a story about how Beyonc and her mom are "praying for a baby," the caption reads: "Beyonc looked a tad bumpy in a stunning frock." (See image 8). Is a "tad" bumpy like "a little pregnant"? Next: Heidi and Spencer might have been "brainwashed" by their mystic spiritual adviser Aidan Chase. A source says "no one can talk any sense into them" and "this guy is feeding them spiritual guidance and it's all they're living their lives by now." Apparently Spencer has spent around $500,000 on crystals this year and now signs his emails "pure love and light." Unsolicited uterus update: Jennifer Aniston is "determined" to become a mom in 2010. She's been talking to fertility experts about intra-uterine insemination and is "on the hunt" for a sperm donor. Tally ho! Bethenny Frankel says her wedding to Jason Hoppy is "just around the corner" and she'll get married before she gives birth. Breaking "Celebrity Scandal": Lady Gaga is "not that original." (see image9) Rihanna spends $2300 a day to stay fit: the personal trainer is $1500 a day; the private chef is $800. Lastly: We present, without comment, the most high society thing we've ever seen: Tinsley Mortimer, hair model (see image 10).
Grade: D (hair model)

Star
"Billion Dollar Babies!"
Here we have 8 pages of celebrity baby pictures and tidbits about their lives. For instance: Jennifer Lopez's kids have matching Burberry swimsuits and butlers in tuxedos who serve them on the finest china. Tom and Katie have a live-in chef, who is "frequently roused in the wee hours" when Suri wants freshly-baked cookies or a burger. Brad and Angie have psychologist Dr. Jane Aaronson on speed-dial, and Brad bought Shiloh a $28,000 custom-made suit of armor, so she can play Knights Of The Round Table. Awesome. Oh, and Knox Jolie-Pitt has a $600 leather jacket. Nahla has never had fast food or soda, because Halle Berry has a private chef who only makes her organic and healthy food. What is childhood without chicken nuggets!?!? Kourtney Kardashian has spent $100,000 on photo shoots for her son Mason. On to other news: Eli Roth and Peaches Geldof are totes dating. Billy Corgan taught Jessica Simpson how to play chess, and they have been meeting for weekly matches — though she has never beat him. Blind item! "Which comic and former TV star gets his kicks by calling phone sex lines? A neighbor mistakenly got his phone bill and saw over a thousand dollars in charges. What's the deal with that?" This spread called "Gender Bending" turns Brad Pitt into woman and Angelina Jolie into a man. (See image 11) Kendra's E! True Hollywood Story will reveal that she first did coke at 13, and OD'd in her sophomore year of high school. "I was bleeding from every hole in my body," she says. "I really thought I was going to die that night." Lastly, this report claims that in Vegas, Justin was flirting with two sexy go-go dancers (one of whom was the previously mentioned Joey Williams) and took them up to his room for a "sexy late night after party." Sexy sex sex sex! Do you have to RSVP to a sexy late night party? Oh: Two nights later he was seen surrounded by women again, when he partied with Jon Hamm in L.A. We want to hear more about that!
Grade: D (foot model)

In Touch
"The Ultimate Betrayal!"
Michelle "Bombshell" McGee claims that she has been having an 11-month affair with Jesse James, who is married to Sandra Bullock. This was happening while Sandy was filming The Blind Side. Michelle is a tattoo model, and contacted James about appearing in West Coast Chopper ads. They met; he gave her a tour of the shop, and then they went into his office and ended up on the couch. She said: "What's going on with you and Sandra?" He said: "She doesn't live here. She has a house in Austin. She's filming, and I can't talk about it." Shady! Then the mag prints this sentence: "Michelle continued talking to Jesse, she says, and then after ripping off her spandex pants, 'We had intimate relations.'" Michelle claims that she and Jesse hooked up in the office a few times, and spills that he doesn't doesn't wear underwear — or condoms, and she nicknamed him "Vanilla Gorilla," because he was so well endowed. When she told him that the sex couch in his office was "nasty," he bought a new one, and, she says, "That was very tender of him." He loved performing oral sex on her, and dug when she wore a pair of black patent leather pumps while they were doing it. Michelle adds: "I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man. He gave me the impression they were separated." Jesse is allegedly still texting her, BTW (see image 12). Moving along: Vienna from The Bachelor was "secretly horrified" by recent pictures of herself and is hoping to score some free surgeries from Heidi Montag's doctor. On the spread called "40 & Fab!," Mariah Carey, Jen Aniston and Gwen Stefani are called "cougars." In Justin Timberlake news, this report claims that when JT was in Vegas, he was "acting single" and wasn't answering Jessica's calls. A "friend" says: "Justin wants out [of the relationship with Jessica], but he doesn't have the heart to break up with her." Finally: Mackenzie Phillips had a $50,000 plastic surgery makeover with no pain medication and "invited" the mag along (see image 13). She got Botox, Restylane and extensive dental work, and says she "felt insecure" after someone posted a picture of a horse with her name under it on Facebook. She had 40 hours of dental work with only Advil and Novocaine. After she got clean, she says, "I felt like someone new on the inside, but I was still wearing the ravages of that old life on the outside. It's interesting to have the chance to have my insides and outsides match."
Grade: C (tattoo model)

From Life & Style

From Star

From In Touch

Lost Finally Explained [Answers]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:38:15 -0400

The last time we showed you a definitive Lost video, you guys felt a little cheated. That was unfair of us. So here, for real this time, is a video that single-handedly explains all of the show's mysteries. Namaste.

Well Played, Lady Gaga

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:00:50 -0400

Longtime readers of this site know that while we find Lady Gaga's music catchy, for a long time all her clothing antics just felt tiresome. Now that she's pushed things into the kind of extreme...

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Heidi Klum Topless Pictures are Very Alluring

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:45:21 -0400

Of all the Supermodels out there, I think Heidi Klum might still be m favourite. Not only is she still superhot, but she still loves to get naked (or close to it) in front of the camera. Take these...

Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:30:00 -0400

Fresh off her Oscar win, Sandra Bullock has essentially confirmed rumors Jesse James cheated on her by pulling out the UK premiere of The Blind Side which Warner Bros. has decided to scrap all together. BBC News reports: Warner... ...read full story

Marisa Miller Bikini Pictures Are No Secret

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:20:06 -0400

It's no secret that Marisa Miller is one of the hottest women on the entire planet, but every once in a while you might need a little reminder. Thankfully, we have Victoria's Secret around to point out this fact...

American Idol: We May Have Just Finally Killed Keith Richards [Recaps]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:18:33 -0400

Well, America. There it was. Your Top 12 Idols. What you prayed and voted for, what you made happen. I hope you were happy. Because, thanks a frigging lot, that was some bullshit.

Well, OK, it wasn't that bad. But did you, like me, find yourself wondering what Lily, Epperly, and Carol Brady would have sung? There, flickering dimly in the crumbling Aztec theater that is my sad and addled brain, was Alex Lambert doing a crystal-croony version of "Wild Horses." There was Epperly doing a slo-mo piano "Angie." And the Worst Witch? Well, I don't know. I don't really know any more Rolling Stones songs. I'm honestly sort of skeptical that anyone in this world actually sits down and listens to the Rolling Stones. When is that occasion? OK, maybe if you're hanging out with Tim Allen and John Travolta and they're like "Wanna take a motorcycle ride?" then maybe I would listen to "Start Me Up" or whatever. But then and only then. Otherwise, forget about it. Give me my Justin Bieber and call it a motherfucking day. Heard?

The Good
Thumperstacks did good. We all love Thumperstacks. Her performance last night was absolutely her worst so far, but it was still basically miles ahead of everyone else and her little pre-song package about her Ohio daddy cryin' and carryin' on was pretty nice, so Thunderpants wins this round.

Or does she? Siobhan Magnus, the last of the Starchildren, is trying to sing her way back to her home planet of Songtasia and lemme tell you, I think she might get there. Nothing about her "Paint It Black" made any cognitive sense in terms of a human person trying to record and sell music in the year of our Lord 2010, but other than that it was good! She sang it interestingly and was reminiscent of a male Adam Lambert and that is nice. Plus I liked her intro package about being from Cape Cod, because I always imagine that growing up there is like living in a lighthouse. Just a sea of lonely lighthouses that inevitably house creatures like Siobhan Magnus. Why her skystreamer crashed here three hundred years ago we'll never know. Why all the other Starchildren are gone — not dead, just gone — we'll never know either. But what we do know is this: Siobhan and Blisterknickers are the two top favorites of this, our god-awfulest season of American Idol since the last season of American Idol.

Paige Miles finally showed some trace of the voice that Simon's been yammering on about since Day 1, so that was interesting to see. I still think she's confused about what this show is and should probably be escorted home, but she didn't totally embarrass herself last night as she has in weeks past, so good for her.

The Bad
Do you guys mind talking to me for a second about Lacey Brown? Why is she on the television? I factually know at least ten people who are much better, more interesting singers than her. People I know in my real-ass, theater-ass life. And yet there's Lacey Brown, gurgling along up there on stage, heinously mangling... wait, what was that? "Ruby Tuesday"? Arguably Lacey picked the prettiest of Stones songs (it's so pretty it sounds like the Beatles) and then she walked up to it and strangled it. That was some cold blooded gangster shit right there. She was all nice to it, saying sweet things to it, and then she got behind it and slowly strangled it, saying "Sshhh, sshhh, ssshhh," stroking its head as it slumped over and died. Lacey is a tough-cookie song murderer. Goodbye Ruby Tuesday indeed.

A leather shirt. As if this season didn't have enough avatars of awfulness in play already — the sex troll that is Tim Urban, the teef of Boomerslacks, the Carol Brady haircut — last night we got yet another artifact that will forever stand as representative proof that American Idol season 9 was indeed the groan and whimper that ended the world. That sad-eyed kid from Texas (I really sincerely can never remember his name) came out wearing what I thought at first was a fetching, Ryan Gosling-esque fitted caramel leather jacket. Oh how wrong I was. The camera then panned back to reveal all his makeover glory and I realized that this kid wasn't wearing a leather jacket. No ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This rat-like fellow was wearing a leather shirt. A collared shirt, made of leather. Remember denim disasters (how can we now think that JT is cool? just look at that) and how those were bad enough? Well, this was worse. It was a shirt made of brown leather. This is post-makeover, guys. That the only thing I can say about this kid — who, if he's not pulled out of this competition immediately, is going to be giving out nickel blowjobs at the bus station pretty soon and really needs to be rescued — is that he wore a crazy leather shirt last night should give you some indication of his singing ability.

I'm pretty sure there's a guy on this show named Phil Dweezy who's been pretty much whiffing it every night for weeks. Am I right about this? He's like David Cook's stoner cousin who wore Vans and cargo jeans to Thanksgiving and no one could really figure out what happened with his parents, how they raised wrong-side-of-the-tracks kids when everyone else in the family was firmly right-side. I don't know. I like the tone of his voice sometimes but it's never consistent. One shining moment of surprise on the first night of semifinals does not an Idol career make, friend. Nor does one shining Paula Abdul-graced performance during Hollywood Week. Yes, Andrew Garcia, I am looking in your direction. What happened to him? He really is the Chris Sligh of this season. All faded, growly promise. Too bad, so sad.

The Whiffenpoof
So I'm watching Idol last night with my dear friend Cathy, a Latin teacher who never watches the show but was tolerating it before we turned on Lost, and we were watching Tim Urban and she was like "I just don't think he should be on this show. He looks like he should be a Whiffenpoof or something." And after I'd stopped cackling and got myself back up on the couch I asked her, "What, dear friend, is a Whiffenpoof?" Because it was the most accurate description of Tim Urban I'd ever heard and I didn't even know what it meant. Turns out it's one of Yale's prestigious a cappella groups. A Whiffenpoof. That is Tim Urban. Tim Urban shall forever be known from here on out as Whiffenpoof. Gratias tibi ago, Cathy.

But yeah, Whiffenpoof is a total dinkins and sang dreadfully, as always, but of course he will linger on forever. He really could win this thing. He really could. It's those dimples! Oh and didn't you weep soft humanity tears last night while watching Whiffenpoof's package and seeing his brother, who sort of looks like him but clearly is not as attractive and isn't that sad when that happens? Also, 10 kids. Ten kids. What's the story behind that?

I Can't Anymore
With the Katie Stevens. I just can't. Did you see in her Let's Meet... video when she was like all robotic "I was very shy!" and then her mom was like "No, she was a total ham"? That was such a treasure. I hate how models or beautiful actors are always like "I was such a dork in school!" because that's supposed to make us like and relate to them somehow. "Ohhh they were a dork way back when just like I am a dork right now and always will be. Connections!" Well it's the same thing with the Stevens Machine saying "Oh I was so shyyyyyyy." No you weren't and the lie will not make us like you any more. And good for Mom for being honest. I also could not believe that people who were that young when "From This Moment" came out are capable of walking and talking now. Years.

And did you see that picture of Katie as a little girl that was hanging on the wall? That picture? It was like Thomas Kinkade highjacked an Anne Geddes photoshoot. It was a young Katie sitting in a white photo studio wearing a jaunty chapeau and grinning. It was basically an outtake from the opening credits of a never-aired 1994 TGIF show called House Rules, about a weary referee, his sassy-smart wife, three precocious daughters (who he just doesn't understand, because he's a man!), and his one horny teenage son. It was supposed to air after Step by Step but was canceled immediately for mysterious reasons. That was Katie's photograph and it was just so telling. So very telling. Anyway, Katie's "Wild Horses" was predictable and boring.

And that's that!

Fug Madness 2010: Play-In Game Results and Round One Preview

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:00:26 -0400

[Photo: Splash]Glad to see that J Simp is celebrating her CRUSHING DEFEAT of A. Simp in yesterday's play-in game the way nature intended: with thumbs up, and a sombrero. (Remind me to tell you about...

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Stephanie Seymour Nipple Slip Bikini Pictures

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:37:34 -0400

As we always say, once a Supermodel, always a Supermodel, and since we love nothing more than seeing Supermodels in bikinis, these Stephanie Seymour bikini pictures are great, no matter how old she is. Of course, they're even better...

Britney Spears loses another one

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:30:38 -0400

Britney Spears and her agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick are no longer having fried chicken-based sex, according to E! News: "They were fighting a lot and have not been getting along," the source says. William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, where Trawic ...read full story

Fug or Fab: Jennifer Aniston

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:00:41 -0400

JENNIFER ANISTON: I AM NOT WEARING BLACK! Someone alert the media!GERARD BUTLER: We are FRISKY! Someone ALERT the MEDIA!!! SEXY TIMES WITH GER AND JEN!! YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING? WE'RE SEXY, AMERICA!...

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Conan O'Brien to Wage War With Alex Trebek? [Trade Roundup]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:25:47 -0400

Yes, it could happen on your TV, at dinnertime. Also today: Lee Daniels' new movie, some MacGruber early feedback, forgotten actors get cast in new things, and news of your mom, Wendy Williams.

Precious director Lee Daniels is lining up names for his civil rights movie Selma. British actor David Oyelowo has been cast as Martin Luther King, Jr., joining Hugh Jackman's racist sheriff. Yes, beloved theater geigh Hugh Jackman is playing the racist bully in a movie about the march on Selma. Daniels continues to dazzle with his truly bizarre eye for casting. [THR]

Hmm. Beloved exploded carrot head Conan O'Brien is nearing a late night deal with Fox, though it's not the only iron he has in the fire. The gangly Bostonian is also being courted by syndicators for a non-network, pre-primetime talk show. Think 7pm, Jeopardy time. Right, because so many of Conan's fans are safely home and stoned and eating Tostitos by 7pm. NOT. (Sorry, I'm '90s nostalgic today.) [The Wrap]

Congratulations, America. You have performed well enough this year to earn a prize. For your troubles and successes, the universe has granted you a second season of The Wendy Williams Show, a television series about an old drag queen who breaks into an abandoned television studio and creates an imaginary talk show. So, enjoy it everyone. You deserve it. [Variety]

Aww, remember Goran Visnjic? He was Abby Lockhart's dreamy Croatian loverboy on ER and popped up in The Deep End and then sorta disappeared. Well it's pilot season, and he's back! He's been cast in Boston's Finest, a show about me. Yep, it's about me, because I am Boston's finest and look exactly like a young Goran Visnjic. The show also stars that butch lady from Battlestar, you know... Coffee Connection or whatever her name is, Pete's or something, as a Boston policecop. [THR]

Speaking of remembering things! Gregory Smith, who played a troubled teen slowly seducing Treat Williams in the WB's psychosexual thriller series Everwood, is back and ready for action. Three times the action! Yep, he's going to take on three at once, just working each one until it's good and finished. Three movies, guys. One of them is a chiller directed by Jim Sheridan called Dream House, that's about Daniel Craig and Naomi Watts watching HGTV for hours and then looking at their watches and all of a sudden it's midnight and they've wasted the whole day and they just scream and scream and scream. [THR]

The new comedy film MacGruber, a totally relevant parody of MacGyver, premiered at the Ess Ex Ess Double-U festival (that's how you say it, right?) and people liked it. So there you go. [EW]

Which Boy Bander Is Ready to Come out Thanks to His Fashion Designer Boyfriend? [Blind Items]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:17:30 -0400

Sure the designer already has a public boyfriend, but that's a small detail. Another pop star also likes to mess with the boys. Gosh, are the only straight people in Hollywood this kinky couple?

1. "This former A list boy bander is struggling to stay in the closet, but he might be emerging thanks to his affair with this male A list fashion designer who is supposedly very attached to his current boyfriend." [CDaN]

2. "Which ladies' man pop star has a penchant for pulling out his (excited) "special friend" and waving it in front of his (male) gay best friend, demanding favours..." [UK Mirror]

3. "This celebrity couple has not been married that long, but it seems that they already need a little help in the romance department. In the past couple of weeks, they have not only spent a lot of money on sexy his and hers lingerie, but have purchased some interesting toys as well. Just to clarify, these are the kinds of toys that aren't intended for use by children. Coupled with the husband's prescription for Viagra, it sounds like these two can look forward to many interesting and long-lasting nights of recreation in the near future." [Blind Gossip]

4. "This once B/C actress once had a promising future and was rocketing to the top. Now, she is throwing her life away every chance she gets. Her self-destructive habits might have gotten her attention in the past, also endangering the lives of others, but now she's putting on a whole show of a mess for random people to see. Not only is she dragging those around her into substance abuse, she's also been driving under the influence, stealing from friends, and having others pick up her messes. Most recently we hear she's been fond of Chatroulette, which normally wouldn't be a big deal because she's been dressing up and disguising herself. Except that once her identity is discovered, she'll be in big trouble. You'll know her by the illegal activities she is doing online for everyone to see, and she's almost always completely high when she does them. It won't be long until the world hears about her little secret life. Not Mischa Barton." [BuzzFoto]

Lost WTF of the Week: Uh Oh, Evil Locke Has Mommy Issues [Clips]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:13:07 -0400

Last night's episode was all about conning and double crossing. But there was at least one honest-seeming moment during the islandcapades: Bad Lock opening up to Kate about kids who grow up with crazy moms. He spoke from experience.

I read the Bible freshman year of college (Catholic college) which was about sixty-five years ago at this point, so I forget. Is there an evil biblical figure with a bad mom? Is there one in any other religious narrative? Well, whatever. The point is that there's some ancient backstory with Smoky-as-Locke wherein he had a crazy mother who caused things to be really, really bad. Might he be referring to, oh I don't know, a mutual mom he shared with old Jacob there? Did Bad Locke see some favoritism that set him ill at ease?

As the season becomes more and more confuddling, I think it's pretty clear that we're really not supposed to think that Smoky is evil. It's a lot more ambiguous than that. So wouldn't it be the ultimate surprise if Smoky did, in fact, turn out to be just straight up wicked? It'd be a fun bait and switch and bait again.

Also: Didn't it seem like Kate might die about five separate times in this episode, and were you all as kinda excited about that prospect as I was?

30 Rock Now a Dr Pepper Subsidiary [Product Placement]

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:59:17 -0400

NBC's marketing department, last seen turning the mediocre show Chuck into an elaborate vehicle for peddling Subway sandwiches, is now turning the good show 30 Rock into an elaborate vehicle for peddling Dr Pepper. Progress!

This is not the first time 30 Rock has been the subject of teeth-gnashing amongst the blogocitizenry over a product placement incident. There was the famous "McFlurry" episode last year, which NBC insisted was not a paid placement, but rather an organic element of the script.

Well if that was true, they're not making that mistake again. Ad Age reports that NBC is dissolving the advertising-entertainment boundaries even more—last week they ran a Dr Pepper ad featuring Chris Parnell's "Dr. Spacemen" character directly before rolling the credits on 30 Rock. And in a brave leap towards corporate control of your teevee shows, the ad said nothing explicit about 30 Rock at all—it just popped right up in there, nearly indistinguishable from the show itself.

This is all part of advertising's ongoing quest to make the Tivo obsolete, so just sit back and passively accept it. Soon everything will be complete.

Stephanie Seymour in a bikini and some nipple

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:00:00 -0400

Here's former supermodel Stephanie Seymour in St. Barts yesterday looking pretty damn good for whatever depressing age she is. (I'm afraid to Google it.) She also flashed some nipple which is exciting only if a blurry areola combined with... ...read full story

Michael Lohan had a heart attack

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 08:55:00 -0400

Lindsay Lohan's dad apparently suffered a heart attack Tuesday afternoon, according to TMZ: Michael Lohan was taken to a hospital in New York after suffering chest pains that radiated to his arms. Kate says an EKG showed evidence of... ...read full story

He Doesn't Deserve Her

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:44:39 -0400

Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgard go public. (PopSugar) She may be a spinster, but Jennifer Aniston still has hot legs. (Popoholic) Megan Fox + Lesbians + Zombies = !!!! (CollegeHumor) Mischa Barton's credit card got declined. Twice. (DListed) Paula Abdul...

Which Sequel Will Be Worse: Sex and the City 2 or Wall Street 2? [Battle Royale]

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:10:49 -0400

Once they hobble into theaters later this year, both the sequel to Sex and the City and Wall Street will be about outmoded characters living in a fantasy New York City of the past. But which one will suck harder?

Sex and the City 2 comes out May 27 and Wall Street: Some Bullshit Title After a Colon has just been pushed back yet again until September 10. But both of these movies are living in the past. For Carrie Bradshaw it's late-'90s, early 2000s Manhattan before the towers fell, when New York was just sanding off the last of its edge from earlier decades, and women were obsessed with showing how much money they had through strappy sandals. It's even worse for Wall Street, a quintessential piece of cinema for the narcissistic and materialistic go-getters of the '80s.

Both of their New Yorks are dead. We're living in the post-recession, post-Madoff, third-term-Bloomberg era in which the richest are looked down upon for openly flaunting their wealth, many people have fled Manhattan for the outer boroughs, and the rest of the city has been turned into an amusement park for tourists. How are these old dinosaurs going to fare in the modern world? Let's see.

Fashion
Sex and the City: If Carrie Bradshaw has kept up with anything, it is the fickle trendcasting in the pages of fashion magazines. She (or rather her stylist) will make sure she is looking up to the minute.
Wall Street: When Gordon Gekko gets out of prison he won't have anything but starched shirts, Armani suits, wide ties, and other outmoded accessories. Even if he goes shopping, he still won't be as hip as Carrie, especially since his movie was filmed so far before the release date.
Victor: Carrie, for sure

Relevance
Sex and the City: America is all about escapist fare right now (hello, Avatar) so anything that can make them forget about their credit card bills for two hours is a good bet.
Wall Street: If this veers in the direction of "greed is still good," moviegoers will sour on the movie. If it's a Madoffian tale of financial malfeasance then it would be right on target. But does anyone want to see that right now?
Victor: Carrie, by a hair

New Cast
Sex and the City: Few new characters, but Miley Cyrus, Liza Minnelli, and Penelope Cruz are involved.
Wall Street: Shia LaBeouf steps into the role of young power player, Carey Mulligan is Gekko's daughter, and the supporting cast includes Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, and Frank Langella.
Victor: Carrie has some great cameos, but Gordon wins for future star wattage.

Director
Sex and the City: Michael Patrick King is only really known for the HBO show, and his first movie felt more like four episodes strung together rather than a coherent feature.
Wall Street: Oliver Stone hasn't had a big hit in a while, but this veteran seems due.
Victor: Gordon, soundly

Does Their New York Still Exist?
Sex and the City: As long as there are women in the city, there will always be groups of girls on the hunt for fashion, friendships, and fellows. Is Soho House still cool? No. But they'll find hot new locales. And the coffee places are still all the same.
Wall Street: Sure, going to a sushi bar is no longer exotic, but the luxe world of bottle service, exclusive addresses, thousand-dollar lunches, and designer suits is still alive and well in the city, as much as we may hate to admit it.
Victor: Tie

Love Interest
Sex and the City: Carrie is still with old man Big. Or is she?
Wall Street: Shia LaBeouf's character gets it on with real-life girlfriend Carey Mulligan.
Victor: Carey schools Carrie, or at least gives her an education

Original Gross
Sex and the City: $152 million domestic gross.
Wall Street: $44 million domestic gross.
Victor: Even adjusted for inflation, we feel Carrie takes this round

Zeitgeist
Sex and the City: Sure, the TV show debuted more than a decade ago, but with tours inspired by the program in New York and constant reruns, there are still plenty of ardent fans.
Wall Street: This movie was the touchstone for a generation of upwardly-mobile strivers. But kids these days—even the biz school nerds—are still more into another '80s movie about making it big: Scarface.
Victor: Thanks to TBS, it's Carrie

Verdict: It looks like Wall Street will be worse than Sex and the City, but really, there are no victories in this battle.

Well Played: Amanda Seyfried

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:00:36 -0400

First of all, I enjoy that the photog behind Seyfried here looks sort of like what I'd imagine you'd get if you crossed a paparazzo with a ninja:Which someone should think about doing, really:...

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HBO Is Going to Be Awesome All Over Again [Its Not Tv]

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:20:40 -0400

Two new shows from two old talents, Terrence Winter's Boardwalk Empire and David Simon's Treme, are debuting this year on HBO and we couldn't be more excited. Just look at these two new longer-form trailers.

Sure they don't really tell us what the shows are about exactly, but we can infer. Boardwalk Empire is about bootleggers in Prohibition-era Atlantic City, and Treme is about the denizens — especially musicians — of post-Katrina New Orleans. We hope for Sopranos-esque violence and existential dread from Empire, and The Wire's brand of dizzying urban cartography from Treme. And, judging by these trailers, we can pretty much be sure that both series will look beautiful. And look at those actors: Steve Buscemi, Michael Pitt, Michael K. Williams, Michael Shannon (so many Michaels!), Melissa Leo, the marvelous and underused Kim Dickens, Khandi Alexander, Wendell Pierce, Clarke Peters, John Goodman. Wooftie. Observe the new ascendancy of HBO!

[via Vulture]

Heidi Montag is Annoying, Has Big Boobs

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:26:40 -0400

I hate Heidi Montag. I really do. And I was resolved never to speak of her again. But it's kind of a slow news day, and she seems really intent on showing off her ridiculous plastic breasts. So whatever....

Social Justice

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:00:00 -0400

In a quaint presentation, cybercrime prosecutors last year gave fellow Department of Justice officials an introduction to social networking sites and their possible investigative uses.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely Gets Topless to Sell Clothes Again

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 14:30:37 -0400

So, recently, we saw a Rosie Huntington-Whitely topless clothing commercial, and now here's Rosie Huntington-Whitely topless in another clothing campaign for a different designer, Thomas Wylde. Now, I'm not sure how being naked helps show what your clothes actually...

Kell on Earth: A Day in the Life of the Revolution [Recaps]

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 14:11:59 -0400

We were too busy winning a strawberry-shaped welcome mat at drag queen bingo last night to watch Kell on Earth. Thankfully fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was up to some shenanigans of her own.

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine
By Betsey Morgenstern

I am so bored at my internship today. There is no one left to bully now that Big Stephanie quit and there is no one left to openly mock now that Little Andrew left. What is a PR office with only one Stephanie and one Andrew? It's like a third grade classroom with only one Madison. It's just a sad sad shell of a place where we interns get even more work. My boyfriend Tim, the Irish intern, has been so busy that he hasn't even been home to change his tennis-ball-yellow sweater with the grommeted holes in it. Poor, poor Tim. We're all working hard, but it's all tedious reports and emails and faxes and the same old problems day in and day out. There isn't much to report.

Instead of a report, I stole you Big Andrew's schedule for a day. I think you'll find it amusing. Some websites are obsessed with seating charts, but I'm sure all of my readers will be very happy with a little iCal entry for the day. It's all I could muster.

8am: Get lattes for the office

8:30am: Talk about how rich I am and how I don't need this job

9am: Realize we are out of paper

9:15am: Try to block out Robyn yelling at Little Andrew

9:45am: Dream About Having Sex with Rick Owens

10:30am: Make Stephanie Skinner laugh

10:45am: Jot down Kelly's latest catch phrase: "Let's not be so scared of the abundance we created."

11am: Answer the phone

11:03am: Talk about how rich I am and how I don't need this job

11:30am: Try to block out Robyn yelling at Little Andrew

12pm: Plan Addams Family dinner party

12:10pm: Call mother and have her call catering for my dinner party

12:30pm: Plan photo shoot. Don't forget call sheet, location address, photographer's name, food (not for models)

12:35pm: Other assorted work-related responsibilities.

12:40pm: Go and get lunch for everyone. Kelly wants vegan, Robyn wants a salad, Emily wants the blood of three virgins.

1:15pm: Tell that weird Betsey girl to go away and stop staring at my computer and asking "What's that? What's that? What's that?"

1:20pm: Talk about how rich I am and how I don't need this job

1:30pm: Second Rick Owens reference of the day.

2pm: Nap in the show room.

2:30: Go with Kelly to talk about $3,000 hats and be the only person the room crazy enough to wear one and rich enough to buy one.

3:30: Order 20 boxes of printer paper, be sure to leave the office so everyone else has to unload it

4pm: Listen to Kelly's daughter say cute things about her war against Wal-Mart

4:10: Try to block out Robyn yelling at Little Andrew

4:15: Go with Kelly to pick up a hot skater boy for Robyn

4:40: Give Robyn makeup tips so she doesn't look like a French madam when she finally puts some on

5pm: Buy Roses

5:01pm: Cut the heads off the roses.

5:15pm: Plan My Outfit for Tomorrow

6pm: Leave, even if all work isn't finished.

RuPaul's Drag Race: Their Rocks and Their Rolls [Recaps]

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:51:48 -0400

Drag Race is back! Well, it never left, but I did. For various and mysterious reasons, I missed last week's episode. Apologies. Let's start anew today, with the rockingest episode yet.

Yes, the challenges this week were rock & roll themed, because nothing says drag queens quite like pot-bellied straight dudes drinking beer and doing a little thrashing. No, the reason they did it is because a couple of months ago RuPaul was having dinner with a friend at the Capital Grille in Scotsdale and he ran into Teri Nunn from the band Berlin, and she seemed good, but a little bored. "Whatcha doin' these days, girl?" he asked her. "Ohh, you know. A little of this, little of that." "Well why don't you come on my show, you can be a guest judge." Teri grinned. "No fooling?" Ru smiled. "No fooling."

So that is why they had a Rock & Roll episode, I suspect. To help out kind old Teri Nunn from Berlin. That's a good enough reason for me! The first challenge was wigs. Everyone was asked to make a rock and roll wig. Miss Tyra, because she is about as smart as a wooden winsock flapping dully in the breeze, just made an orange Beyonc wig. Oh god, excuse me. A Sasha Fierce wig. Tyra almost slapped me for that blunder! Please tell me, dear producers, that the grand surprise at the end of the season will be that we'll get to watch Tyra meet Miss Boncee. "Boncee! Boncee! Boncee!" he'll cry, jumping and clapping, running into walls. Of course it will actually just be Kelly Rowland dressed as Boncee, but that won't matter. Please give us that? Pretty please?

A coupla other queens went for the Raggedy look that RuPaul so adores, with cigarette butts and shards of things in the wigs, but they were not the winning look this week. No, instead it was Miss Pandora's Boxxx, who made a "guitar" out of bobby pins and plastic string. It was a creative idea, but it didn't exactly work. Much like Pandora herself sometimes. (Not when doing Carol Channing though. That always works.) But yes, Pandora won and her grand prize was... ten more minutes of expert singer training from Teri Nunn. Worth its weight in gold records, that.

After the Van's Wig Tour had ended, it was time for the gals to put together rock costumes. Mostly this meant retrofitting previous dresses with shiny zigzag The Max-style decals and stuff, as if they were Barbies from 1987 or something. (My sister had — OK, we had — a Barbie that had an acid wash black jean outfit and bright hot pink triangle-shaped earrings and a neon green guitar.) Or they were like Jem dolls. Ha, there was something great with Jessica Wild last night related to Jem. Rupes was doing her usual Tim Gunn walkabout, assessing the girls' progress and offering sage older-queen wisdom. She asked Jessica Wild what that girl was up to, and Jessica said "I think I am going to look like the cartoon Jem and the Holograms." Which, ha. Much has been made this season about J. Wild's language and culture barrier problems and yet, she knows exactly what Jem and the Holograms was. That is truly the universal language: mid-'80s cartoons about rival girl rockbands. Well done, culture.

The scary thing about this particular competition was that the girls had to sing, foreal. No lip-syncing. This was straight up warbling. Most of the girls were terrified, because they are not singers. That's why they became drag queens! Luckily they had the expertise of Teri Nunn to glean things from. Raven, who though kind of mean is maybe my favorite (she seems smarter than a lot of them somehow), was freaking out because she loves Teri Nunn, apparently. And Teri Nunn loved her! She wanted to date the boy Raven, whose name is Norman Finklehauser. (I mean, I wish it was. I wish they all had real names like that. Tyra = Dwayne Meepgood. Sahara = Ezra Pearlstein. And, oddly, Pandora Boxx = Ridge Powersmax.) Tatiana was such a nervous little drag queen that she barely sang. Sahara was a close second in the suckage department, and Jujubee led the pack, because she can actually sing a little bit. The die has been cast!

Except nothing is ever certain on the Miss Public Access Pageant. Somehow, crazy Jessica Wild managed to squawk and writhe her way to a first place finish. You can watch her routine above. I suspect she won simply for doing that awkward cowboy dance up the runway with the mic stand. It was a thing of terrible beauty, that move. Tatiana came out and totally didn't embarrass herself! It helps that she is a very pretty drag queen. As we all know, beauty trumps all else in this world. Sahara came out doing some kind of herky-jerky voodoo revival dance that was vaguely reminiscent of this. (Though, not nearly as exciting or wonderful as that.) Pandora was physically fine, but vocally pretty drab. Tyra just walked out and bellowed in her deep, sonorous baritone. I swear, there may be nothing creepier in life (or, at least, on Logo) than watching pretty dainty Tyra walk out and open her mouth and out comes James Avery's singing voice. And then Jujubee came out and we were all really excited but, oops, she got out of time with the music and totally whiffed it and that was that. Booooo, Jujubee. Booooo.

Sahara and Juju ended up in the bottom twotwo and had to lip sync for their liiives. Sahara did her usual awkward pirouettes and dance moves, while Jujes wriggled around in desperate beauty on the floor, hair in her face, tears welling up in her eyes. It was a good performance! I mean, for the show. I shudder when I picture sitting in that shanty studio, the wooden risers creaking as the girls trample all over them, these weary little lip syncs going on and everyone (like four people) having to clap at the end. But I try not to dwell on that. It's better to imagine these girls are performing in front of hundreds on a starry night, instead of a dozen or so, in the mid-afternoon.

In the end Jujubee saved her ass with the lip-sync and Sahara, one of our more boring contestants, was sent home. Back to the wander the desert, searching for an African Priscilla. Oh well, goodbye!

The saddest thing about this episode was that we didn't get Ru's usual runway commentary. So I'll offer one of my own:

"Oh Juju, girl. Circle does not get the square. Caroline Rhea has fooled you again."

Does that work?

Yes, Alessanda Ambrosio is Still Sexy

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:47:43 -0400

In case you were wondering, Alessandra Ambrosio is still sexy, and the proof is right here in the new issue of Elle France magazine. Of course, if you don't think that seeing Alessandra Ambrosio topless, or showing some nipple...

Gossip Girl: The Food of Love [Recaps]

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:36:12 -0400

Last night's episode was all about people reaching out for one another. Unrequited lovers reaching for a warm body. Mothers reaching for sons. Daughters for fathers. Jenny for a sack of pills.

Our story began this week with Jenny, a rebellious little pixie who will not follow the sacred rules of the faerie kingdom, even though mean old Queen Mab is angry at her. All Jenny wants to do is hang out with the kid from Air Bud. If you had the opportunity to hang out with the kid from Air Bud, I'm pretty sure that's all you'd want to do too. And deal drugs. You'd want to sell pills as well. So that's what Jenny is doing by way of revolt. She never goes to school anymore, nobody goes to school anymore on this show. Maybe they will later, when it is convenient, but for now Jenny is stuck in the house, frowning brattily at her Rufus and his Lily, and frowning sexily at her kid from Air Bud.

Rufus doesn't want Josh Framm seeing young Jennifrica anymore, because he suspects they might be creating sex together, which is something he is not comfortable with. (You know what I am not comfortable with? The fact that Matthew Settle was so good and creepy and, like, doing something real on Band of Brothers and is now stuck doing this. Acting is so depressing.) Lily also doesn't want Framm to framm his way into Jennji's undergarments, because she's trying to be a good parent to Rufus' daughter so he will forgive her for kissing her ex-husband over summer break. What tangled webs we weave! For now, though, no one is forgiving anyone. A whole hullabaloo happened with Framm and his drugz. Basically Rufus was all "Young lady you are far too young to be framming, so you are moving to Brooklyn with me, and I don't care if Dan is upset because he's been living there alone and framming himself into a giddy stupor in peace for months now. It's back across the river!" and Jenny was all "Noooo" and for some reason decided a good way to not get gulag'd to Bklyn was to... show her dad her big sack of pills. I didn't exactly get that reasoning, did you? I don't really get any of Jenny's motivations right now. Alls I know is that I increasingly despise Taylor Momsen and all her trying-to-act ways. Framm her!

In the end, Jenny sneaked out of the house and met up with Framm and they mouth-frammed right there on the sidewalk and next week it looks like they really will produce boning together, which is a milestone for all of us — when our least-favorite fictional sixteen year olds finally do boffing, it is a landmark occasion in life. For their part, Rufus and Lily are screwed. Lily kinda found out that Rufus has frammed that lady from downstairs, and now who knows. She could be getting divorce number six.

Meanwhile Lily's real daughter was doing a lot of framming herself. Serena and Nate are still in mush-mouthed love together, and mostly all they do is bump uglies while Serena sings "A ring ding dong, a ring a ding ding ding dong..." loudly and joyously. It's pretty gross! This week there was a delicately choreographed foodsex montage, brought to you by episode director Andrew "Cobweb Mouth" McCarthy himself. (Who, remember, got cast on that planned GG spinoff that never happened. Maybe this was his consolation prize?) It was a really beautiful scene of lovemaking. First Serena got the strawberries, blessedly smaller ones than last time. Then there was whipped cream, then caramel. Then Nate got out the mandoline and shaved some thin radish slices over Serena's body. She laughed and moaned "Oooooo sookie sookie now." She then opened the fridge and got out the hummus and smeared it across his chest. "Allahu akbar," Nate purred. In turn he rubbed some leftover lasagna onto her quivering body. She got out the combination mustard/relish condiment tube and squirted it all over his face. He rubbed red bliss potatoes between various crevices. She covered him in a thin veneer of goose liver pate. He massaged her with a gloopy handful of seafood salad. She cracked an egg with her butt cheeks. He made scrapple on her stomach. She playfully stuffed his mouth full of tte de veau, bits dribbling down his chin. Finally they finished, in a great and heaving sloppy heap of mayonnaise and marmalade. "That was fun," Serena burbled, Gogurt sluicing out of her mouth. "It was," agreed Nate, his beautiful face covered in clam chowder.

So that was a gross scene, and I don't know who Gossip Girl thought that was going to be sexy for. Is food sexy for anyone? Eugh. When they were done they heard Blair making fake sex noises and there was a whole weird joke about that but mostly it was a setup scene so we could find out that Chuck is still hiding something from Blair. Mostly he is hiding that he is still tracking down Mother Bass. Ohhhh big plotline! Teenaged boy sits glowering in suits while a prim lady does various things in hotel lobbies. That woman is always doing things in hotel lobbies. Whenever Chuck spots her, she's always just there, doing things. In hotel lobbies. Anyway, with Serena's nosy help (nosy or freighted with meaning?) Chuck and Mother finally sat down to speak, but he rebuked her advances and gave her money so she would go the hell away. And she listened, sort of. Later on Serena went to talk to her. This woman only does two things. She does stuff in hotel lobbies, and she talks to teenagers. Most of the time she's actually talking to teenagers inhotel lobbies, which I guess seems slightly less weird than talking to teenagers in your hotel room. It's still weird though.

See, Serena wanted Chuck to reunite with Mother Bass because of her own bad dad, an abandoner who abaondoned her many moons ago. The strangely-accented Mother Bass represented that abandonment to Serena. If Ma Catfish could explain why she left Chuck, maybe someday Serena would understand her dad's reasoning. It's perfectly sound logic, except that they are two entirely different people with completely different stories, but never mind. So there it was, after all that build-up. We were going to find out why this lady left Baby Bass with his cruel, cruel daddy. What was the nefarious reason? Oh, she was young and couldn't handle a kid. That was it. Not that she's a fugitive spy or exotic animal smuggler or actually a man or anything. She was just 19 and like couldn't deal. Sigh. Gossip Girl, why do you always set us up just to knock us down?

Anyway, after talking to this complete stranger of a blonde teenager, M. Bass decided to stay and wait for Chuck to come to her and of course he did and they got to chatting and she's gonna stick around. It was nice to see Chuck smile again and please please please, dear writers, please tell us that this is that last we'll see of Sad Chuck for a long time. I am so sick of sad moody Chuck, and I'm sure Ed Westlywickens is too. Give us happy, scheming Chuck! Drunken, clowning Chuck! Terrified, ski jumping Chuck! Any kind of Chuck but Sad, Moping Chuck. He is no fun. Also no fun is Serena, who was back at one of the dimly-lit places where these people live, having a heart to heart with the Nate robot. It stroked her head stiffly and said "What is your emotional malfunction, earth child?" Serena whimpered and told him about her dad. The robot said "There there. There there. Would you like me to put some egg salad in your cu—" and then Serena jumped up and said "That's it!" She grabbed the phone and called her father. She left a message saying that she was done looking for him. That was it. No more, no more. Or is there? In case you don't live under this rock where people who watch Gossip Girl live, Billy Baldwin is popping by for a few episodes this season to play Serena's dad. So, expect more boring things with that!

Speaking of boring things, Dan & Vanessa. Oh god, Dan & Vanessa. They've been doing the San Francisco Sidestep around each other for weeks now, and finally things came to a head (and, likely, head) last night. There was some sort of party, of course. Vanessa's floor or dorm or group of pretend friends or something were having a South Beach, Miami party that involved, because these things are so totally South Beach, leis and Hawaiian-print skirts and shirts. (Was it just painfully accurate art direction of what a poorly-themed college student's party would look like? Perhaps, but probably not.) Vanessa pretended that she was going with her gay theater boyfriend, and Dan found a random girl named Melissa to come with him. How he pulled that one off I will never know. "Hello, my name is Dan Humphrey and I am a walking, talking pile of chins. Would you escort me to this year's annual Florida-Hawaii Ball?" "Suuuuuuure. I'm Melissa." "Oh, I know. Oh I know." "You have the cutest maniacal laugh."

At the party everyone was doing the traditional South Beach hula dance and eating poi, and things between Vanessa and Dan were awkward, mostly because he was wearing a chest hair-baring black wife beater and she was dressed up like Grok, the Cavewoman of Oahu. They "drank mojitos" and got "drunk," though they acted exactly the same as they had before drinking mojitos, because they are both terrible actors who were, I suppose, terribly directed. Shame on you, Blaine! Eventually they got stuck behind one of those cut-out face picture taking things and some other thing and, as anyone does when caught between one of those carnival cut-out things and some other thing, they furiously smashed their faces together and Dan's ukulele turned into a guitar and everything was just so awkward. Eventually Theatergay and Melissa figured out what was going on and were like "Ohhh noooo you didn't. Aloha, South Beach. Aloha." Dan and V. had about sixteen more conversations about whether or not they should get together, all of which made absolutely no sense, but it doesn't matter because now they are together. Yes, they frammed each other long and hard, and then made jokes about "elbow incidents" and other gross things that shouldn't exist. There was some grim foreshadowing as Dan lustily eyed the refrigerator and Vanessa stared at some margarine sitting in a tub on the counter. The Lion King ahhhh seee whenn yaaaaa mamadeetseeabah (is that how you spell mamadeetseeabah?) music began and the camera blessedly turned off.

So everyone was together and in love, except for poor Erik. At the very end of the episode, we saw lonely Erik walking through Central Park holding a little red balloon. He was thinking of other places, other climes, other lives entirely. He wanted to go somewhere warm and blue, somewhere with crystal seas and spiky palms. He wanted to go to the islands of South Beach, but he wasn't sure if he could stand such a long flight. He ended up at Vanessa's dorm instead, standing amidst the party feeling kind of miserable, until a young man with dark tanned skin sauntered up to him and said, "Aloha. Surf's up?" Erik grinned his shy little grin. "Sure is, he said. Sure is."

So that's that! A happy ending for Erik. Now Brian, why don't you tell us where everyone stands, Power Rankings-wise, after this episode.

Thank you, Richard. Here is this week's tally:

Dorota:
Power Play: Even though she was off on important espionage business, she still makes her boyfriend Vanya tell Lily that Rufus is dogging around on her: +3
Total: 3
Season to Date: 51
Power Position: Even

Blair:
Fashion Points: Louis Vuitton metallic booties? We likey!: +1, Gorgeous chunky yellow necklace: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Is only pretending to have sex with Chuch: -2, Finally, Chuck is back in her bed: +1
Social Schemes: Gets totally outplayed by stupid Serena in the "should Chuck talk to his mom" debate: -1, Gets proven wrong by Serena when Chuck starts enjoying talking to his mother: -1
WTF: Smart enough to have Chuck's couch scotch guarded now that Serena is dating his roommate: +1
Total: -1
Season to Date: 34
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Wore suits to kindergarten: +1, His black Chinese pajamas make him look like the world's sexiest mandarin: +1
Personality Flaw: Knows Blair only apologizes to get something she wants: +1, Is the only one who thinks he doesn't need a mommy: -1
Sexual Intrigue: He has Blair so whipped it's not even funny: +1
Social Schemes: Breaks into his mother's room and steals her locket: +2, Gets tricked by Serena into talking to his mom: -2, Blows it big time by offering her a check: -1, Finally relents and talks to mommy: +1, And he's glad that he did: +2
Total: 4
Season to Date: 31
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Power Play: Finally steps up as the father to the most unruly teenager on Earth: +2, Tells Lily that she didn't raise Serena right. Oh, snap!: +1, He's so right: +1, Falls for Damien's sad little rich drug dealer fable: -2, Still stands firm with Jenny: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Running away from his problems with Lily, his meal ticket: -1, Lily knows he was hanging with the sexy downstairs neighbor: -1, She is informed by the help: -1
WTF: Seriously, how long is it going to take this man to figure out he just needs to buy his daughter a leash: -1
Total: -7
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Personality Flaw: Sorry, Nate. Waffles are Rufus' department: -1
Sexual Intrigue: He is now dating Serena, which is like letting a homeless man into an all-you-can-eat buffet. In this case, literally: +2, Serena broke his dresser: -1, Oh...She did it during sex: +2
Social Schemes: Is a horrible liar: -2, Is basically Chuck's errand boy: -1, If you have to be someone's errand boy...: +1
WTF: Even when he has a storyline he has absolutely nothing to do: -1
Total: -1
Season to Date: -1
Power Position: Up

Jenny:
Power Play: Is sent back to Brooklyn: -1, Still totally at the whims of her evil stepmother and her negligent father: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Suddenly her drug dealer is her boyfriend: -1, Doesn't know what statutory rape means: -2, Gets caught by Lily: -1, Taller than her man: no points, just an observation, She is lucky that man is smart and devious: +2
Social Schemes: Jenny, you stupid fucking bitch. You threw the pills on the floor. You threw the pills on the floor in front of your father and step mother. Did you think something good was going to come out of this? This is the most idiotic thing you have ever done: -5, Doesn't think that getting caught with enough pills to kill a room full of hipsters is that big of a deal: -2, She runs away: -1, For the second time! Has she already forgotten the last time when she was sleeping under a bridge hugging her sewing machine for warmth?: -2
Total: -14
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Of course the first thing we see her in is some Mama Cass caftan that looks like it has vomit on it: -1, The lady dreads aren't that bad:+2, Her "costume" for the beach party is something that she would wear on the street on a Tuesday: -1
Power Play: She would be smart to latch onto Dan. He is the best she's ever going to do: +2, Says she wants to take it slow. God, what is wrong with this girl?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Turns down Dan: +1, She met her boyfriend at a cabaret and he is wearing a neon neckerchief. Does she not have any gaydar at all?: -1, The gay dumps her: -1, Finally lands her Dan: +1, When they're doing it wishes Olivia was there, because she's not enough: -1, On the other hand, we like kinky: +3
WTF: She has now had sex with every male character on this show other than the dad and the gay kid. And we thought Serena was a skank: -2 Just for being back: -1
Total: -1
Season to Date: -11
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Fashion Points: Manguns!: +2
Power Play: Has to lie to Vanessa about having a girlfriend: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Turns down a hot bimbo: -1, Vanessa is dissing him for an obvious gay: -1, Wants to do it with Vanessa: -1, Gets dumped by a skank: -2, Has to work really hard to get laid. With Vanessa!: -2, At least he's getting some: +1, Get's an A- in the sack: +1, His girlfriend wants more threeways: +2
Total: -2
Season to Date: -23
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Has absolutely no defense when Rufus calls her a bad mother: -2, Speaking of which, why is she so concerned about her slutty stepdaughter when she has a sad, lonely, suicidal gay kid of her own?: -2, And has she forgotten about her own slutty daughter completely?: -2, OK, now she has resolved herself to be a good mother: +1
Power Play: Knows Jenny is a teenage slut because, well, we saw the flashback episode: +2, Has very loyal servants: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Ooooh, she knows that Rufus is getting some on the side: +2
WTF: If she had known about that giant bag of pills in her house, she would have eaten them all: -1, Jenny steals her prescription: -1
Total: -2
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Even makes a man's shirt slutty: -1, The low-cut grey top and blue leggings. Nip slip and camel toe all in one: -1
Personality Flaw: Hasn't eaten bread since middle school: +1 (for dedication), Major daddy issues: -2
Power Play: Actually gives Chuck some sound advice about talking to his mother: +2, Calls up her daddy and tells him she's over him: +3, We know daddy is going to come and fuck with her head: -1
Sexual Intrigue: She can not be awake for five minutes without fucking something: -2
Social Schemes: Arranges lunch so that Chuck can meet his mother: +2, Chuck is mad at her and he is not an enemy you want: -1, She can't leave Chuck's mom alone: -1, It turns out that she gives Chuck's mom some great advice: +2, Chuck and his mom get together and all is well, just like she said: +2
Total: 3
Season to Date: -32
Power Position: Up

Work It

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 20:27:11 -0400

Nicole Scherzinger leaves the gym looking hot. (Popoholic) Remember when Lindsay Lohan in a bikini was a good thing? (CollegeHumor) Being a whore just comes naturally to Aubrey O'Day. (DListed) Beyonce and Jay-Z have a new nickname: B-Jay! (Pink is...

Locked Up Lothario

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:00:00 -0400

A Montana inmate is not letting a 25-year prison sentence interfere with his love life, according to a probe by state correction officials.

More Rosie Jones Topless Pictures from Nuts

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:47:12 -0400

Couple weeks back we did our first Rosie Jones topless post, and now we've got even more super sexy pictures from that amazing photoshoot. Some might be repeats, but if you have even the slightest problem with seeing Rosie...

Adrianne Curry is Bare Assed in the Kitchen, and on Twitter

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:44:04 -0400

Eternal fame whore, Adrianne Curry, is single-handedly setting back the feminist movement by decades with a single picture on Twitter. And I love it! Okay, that's not true, she doesn't actually have any power to affect any change, in...

Mug Shots Of The Week 3/12/2010

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:00:00 -0500

A couple of superhero enthusiasts--both Texans--jointly kick off this week's mug shot roundup.

Wyclef Jean Prepays It Forward

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:50:00 -0500

Though Wyclef Jean's charitable foundation has operated at a deficit and experienced cash flow problems, the group actually prepaid 25 months of office rent to a New York firm jointly owned by the musician and a relative.

Friday Photo Fun LII

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:20:00 -0500

For today's "Friday Photo Fun" contest, entrants have to examine a Google Street View image and answer this question: Who got shot here?

Erin Andrews Peeper Wants Probation

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:30:00 -0500

The man convicted of surreptitiously taking naked peephole videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has asked a judge to spare him a prison term.

Offended By Beyonce Crotch Grabbing

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:30:00 -0500

By now, you'd think that most television viewers would realize that music awards shows are filled with vulgarity, skimpy costumes, and lots and lots of crotch grabbing.

Wyclef's Conflict of Interest (Policy)

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:30:00 -0500

The latest tax return for Wyclef Jean's foundation has been filed, and while it reveals that the musician is still paying himself from the group's funds, the charity reports that it has just instituted a written conflict of interest policy.

Lenny Dykstra, Head Case

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:30:00 -0500

A woman who briefly worked for Lenny Dykstra charges that the former baseball star groped her breasts and tried to push her down on a bed in his Los Angeles mansion after the ex-athlete solicited a "blow job," according to a federal court filing.

Baby Beer Bottles Nipped In Bud

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 10:30:00 -0500

Claiming that the sale of baby bottles designed to look like Budweiser and Miller Lite bottles infringes on its valuable trademarks, the Anheuser-Busch company yesterday filed a federal lawsuit against a Maryland firm offering products "for your little drinker."

69 Busted In South Carolina

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 10:30:00 -0500

While on patrol early Sunday morning at a mall in Orangeburg, South Carolina, a cop noticed a parked Chevy conversion van rocking.

Times Cites Nonexistent Enquirer Ethics

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 13:30:00 -0500

In chronicling the National Enquirer's latest bid for respectability, The New York Times today glowingly details the tabloid's sleuthing on the John Edwards trail (and the publication's related Pulitzer Prize bid).

Crime Over Spilt Milk

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:30:00 -0500

A Kentucky woman is facing a felony assault charge for allegedly squirting breast milk into the face of a female jailer.

Mug Shots Of The Week 3/5/2010

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:00:00 -0500

The terroristic threats for which the Kentucky gentleman who leads off this week's roundup was arrested likely involved something a bit more menacing than the single finger he is brandishing in his mug shot.

Lawyer Threatens Suit Over Coat

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 16:20:00 -0500

If you've forgotten why lawyers have approval ratings as low as politicians and journalists, take a look at this letter written recently by William Ogletree, a Texas lawyer.

IHOP Fingered In Gross Lawsuit

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 11:20:00 -0500

Ronald Neilly was working at an International House of Pancakes in Hallandale, Florida one Sunday morning when he accidentally cut off a fingertip while preparing an order.

Getting Off In Denver

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:20:00 -0500

A Delaware man is facing a federal criminal charge after he was caught yesterday masturbating on a plane while seated next to a female passenger.