RSSMix.com Mix ID 19278

Joe Rogan Video Ambushes Locker Room Perv Who Spies on His Penis

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:17:49 -0500

I don't know what's grosser here: The gleeful pervert grinning at ultimate fighter and former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan, or that Joe uses a soundtrack of pig snorts, whips, and the phrase "Ride 'em cowboy" for this video.

Actor turned action figure Rogan has had trouble drawing boundaries with his adoring public before, which perhaps explains why what could have been a satisfying pervert takedown in the manner of this, this, or this ended up as uncomfortable for the viewer as for the perved-upon star. Maybe it's because Rogan and his friends are kind of scary. Plus, sexually harassing ultimate fighters in their place of violence seems dangerous. So perv kid, if you're out there: Get a sense of shame, get a sense of clear and present danger, and get your porn on the internet like everybody else. [TotalProSports]

Jennifer Aniston's blurry nipple

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:00:00 -0500

I put off posting these all day because, personally, I prefer a naked Anna Torv and Blake Lively through a telephoto lens over a pack of cougars in bikinis. Fortunately that move paid off because I had time to... ...read full story

Queen Fugtoria

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:00:55 -0500

Clearly, Emily Blunt is trying to hypnotize us all:"You are getting veeeeerrrrrry sleepppppy. You willlllllllll egg the houses of the AMPAS members who snubbed me for Best Actress this years. You...

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Megan Fox's breasts are still making movies and other news

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:55:00 -0500

- Brangelina suing over break-up rumors. [Lainey Gossip] - Kendra Wilkinson wasn't crying because of the Super Bowl last night. [PopEater] - Snaggletooth lives! [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Taylor Lautner must've seen a shoe sale down there. ...read full story

90Fug10

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:00:17 -0500

I almost didn't recognize Drunkface here, on account of how that makeup makes her eyes look uncharacteristically puny: [Photo: WENN.com]Also, I'm beginning to suspect she guarded against a nip...

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Michael Jackson Autopsy Report

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:00:00 -0500

As prosecutors today announced manslaughter charges against Michael Jackson's former doctor, the Los Angeles medical examiner simultaneously released its final report on the singer's June 2009 death.

Undercover Boss: Advertainment's Fourth Wave

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:25:45 -0500

So we assume you saw Undercover Boss last night, CBS' big new reality show that got the plum post-Super Bowl spot? Amazing, was it not? Televised entertainment has now completed its long, winding journey into becoming 100% corporate propaganda.

In Undercover Boss, a CEO goes undercover in his own company to get the real scoop on how hard it is...to work for his own company. Last night's premiere featured Larry O'Donnell, COO of the thoroughly unglamorous, dirty, occasionally union-busting multibillion-dollar trash company Waste Management. Larry met many hardworking employees in heartstring-tugging situations, and was able to help them, by vowing to form a committee to address their concerns about their shitty jobs!

CONSIDER: In the olden days of television, companies would sponsor an entire block of programming—The Colgate Variety Hour, or whatever. In return for their name on the show and some in-show plugs, the audience got about an hour of entertainment content. THEN, the 30-second commercial reigned. In return for minutes-long blocks of commercial content, consumers got (more) minutes-long blocks of uninterrupted entertainment. THEN, Tivo came along. Many advertisers moved towards product placement—they paid to have their products and branding messages integrated into the shows themselves. The 30-second ads remained! So, in return for the same lengthy advertising breaks, consumers got a bit of advertorial-type entertainment content.

AND NOW, with the advent of Undercover Boss, we find we have come to a new stage in television: An entire prime-time show that is, in effect, an hour-long corporate public relations message, broadcast to a far larger audience than the corporation could ever hope to reach itself, courtesy of one of our nation's premiere television networks. Can you even begin to imagine the amount of money that an unsexy company like Waste Management, for chrissake, would have had to spend to buy an amount of media exposure equal to a full hour of prime time directly after the Super Bowl? It quite literally could not have been purchased with all the money in Waste Management's coffers! But, in exchange for what was no doubt hand-and-foot service from Waste Management's PR team in setting up logistics and tracking down appropriately engaging employees for the boss to interact with, CBS gives the company an advertainment opportunity unparalleled anywhere else on television. SO, The deal for you, the television viewer is now this: in return for sitting through lengthy blocks of ads, you are treated to one hour of a trash company's employee morale-boosting video, writ large.

Waste Management played it well: they had the boss admit some mistakes and act humble. Future participants should take notes. This is the best deal corporate America's gotten on CBS since the network dropped that 60 Minutes tobacco story. Don't fuck this up, guys.

Blake Lively in a bikini

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:25:00 -0500

You know that feeling when you see your first child being born then hold him or her in your arms and realize between buckets of tears your life is never going to be the same again? That pretty much... ...read full story

Fug the Cover: Anne Hathaway

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:19:36 -0500

Take note, ladies: FREAKY NECKLESS CORSET YOGA IS THE NEW HOT. ...

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Samantha Ronson beats Lindsay?

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:40:00 -0500

Gossip Cop has "debunked" recent reports claiming Samantha Ronson is physically abusing Lindsay Lohan: Without furnishing any specific time or place where Ronson was allegedly "violent" with Lohan, RadarOnline quotes an unnamed source saying, "One t ...read full story

Five Actors Who Almost Made It and the Long Road Back

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:37:19 -0500

Reading about the comeback struggle of American Beauty weirdo Wes Bentley yesterday got us thinking about other youngish, once-promising stars who made a big initial splash and then mostly disappeared. Let's give some career advice to Bentley and four others.

Wes Bentley
Bentley came roaring onto the scene as the skull-capped suitor to Kevin Spacey's daughter in American Beauty, Sam Mendes' 1998 popcorn take on suburban ennui. He had a piercing gaze and a wolfish brow and, sure yeah, he could act pretty well. Big leading man roles in duds like the thriller Soul Survivors and the nearly unwatchable epic The Four Feathers (alongside other up-and-comers Kate Hudson and Heath Ledger) followed soon after, but nothing connected and he faded away. The Times profile reveals that he's been dealing with drug abuse problems, so that's too bad.
The Road Back: Bentley is starring in the well-received off-Broadway play Venus in Fur at the moment, so, you know... theatre is good. But movies and TV! That's where it's really at. He's definitely not ready for some big starring film role yet, but what if he joins the cast of Nurse Jackie as some weirdo holistic doctor who confounds Jackie with his hippie-dippy bullshit but draws her in with that yards-long stare of his?

Alison Lohman
Lohman made her first big impression as a dreamy but troubled teen going through the foster care system in the underrated White Oleander, and did solid follow-up work in Ridley Scott's similarly underrated Matchstick Men. And then... well, not a whole hell of a lot. She popped up in kiddie flick Flicka, the drowsy dud Things We Lost in the Fire, and last year's deliberately kitschy horror b-grader Drag Me to Hell. At 30, Lohman is still young enough to play ingenue, especially given her porcelain baby face, and yet the roles haven't come. Maybe it's a personal decision, who knows, but we feel like she could be doing a lot more.
The Road Back: Lohman is such an ethereal, slightly odd presence, which makes her interesting but also a bit hard to cast. She'd be perfect in a Terrence Malick movie — all dazed lyricism and angelic blonde hair. She's also got the kind of melancholy that's perfect for the current spate of bittersweet indie romantic dramadies ((500) Days of summer, the upcoming Blue Valentine), so she'd be smart to do one of those. Paired up with... Oh, let's say the delicious all-American sandwich that is Zach Gilford.

Samantha Mathis
Remember her? The young star of Pump Up the Volume did some big movies in her time — Little Women, Broken Arrow, a small role in The American President — but she never quite hit the way we thought she would. In recent years she's done some stage work, lots of TV guest spots (like Olivia the Dharma teacher on Lost), but nothing to match her early-mid '90s heat. She's an appealing actress, warm and frank, and we'd like to see more of her. Even though she's like 39 or something, and thus ancient.
The Road Back: Theater is good! We like theater. But, again, movies and TV are really what everyone needs. Mathis should aim for juicy smaller parts in classy independents — she has the face, if not always the carriage, for period pieces — and some smart TV work. Maybe she could appear alongside Gretchen Mol in a few episodes of the upcoming Boardwalk Empire. Or we liked her toting a gun well enough in Broken Arrow to think she'd make a good foil for Timothy Olyphant on his new Elmore Leonard series, Justified.

Kip Pardue
The golden boy actor, who played football at Yale and was an Abercrombie & Fitch model, seemed destined for big things when he was cast in that Sylvester Stallone racing movie Driven and in Remember the Titans. But then despite his drive, no one remembered him (get it?). Maybe he was hyped to the point of premature saturation, like a more male but no less blonde Gretchen Mol. The guy really hasn't done anything of note since the well-received 2005 indie Loggerheads (movies called Slightly Single in LA and Stag Night do not count), but we remember him being a reasonably talented fellow in things like The Rules of Attraction, so it might be interesting to see him back on the scene.
The Road Back: He'll need a lot of work, mostly because people don't really remember who he is. So let's get him a nice meaty theater role to up his cred — Joe Pitt in the upcoming Angels in America revival, perhaps (he looks so much like Patrick Wilson!) — and then put him on an established but still-hot show, something like Damages. Or maybe he could be the pretty-boy serial killer on the next season of creatively-soaring Dexter. You know, something like that: a role that, sure, exploits his looks, but also shows off those Ivy League acting chops (he graduated with an Econ degree, but whatever).

Alicia Silverstone
Oh, Cher. After breaking out a bit too big in the 1995 smash Clueless, Silverstone struggled to define herself as a "real" actress. She was also beset with a less-than-emaciated figure, which pretty much nixed her chances at big-time movie stardom. She's done smaller film roles, some theater (she's currently in the twice-extended Broadway production Time Stands Still, opposite Laura Linney), and her own ill-fated comeback TV project, Miss Match. She remains a kind and appealing actress, so let's make her a star again.
The Road Back: Again, the theater is always a good start. It gets you respect, you meet interesting and dedicated actors, and there's a lot more of it to do. To get back on the screen, we think Silverstone ought to go the Mathis route of aiming for smaller parts in prestige pictures, much like she's doing right now sharing the stage with Linney. Silverstone could get hot by association, and before you know it she's starring in her own HBO comedy series about a bored and slightly frumpy fading Midwestern sorority girl who decides one lonely drunken night to move to New York and try her hand at acting school.

There are many other folks who fit the just-slightly-missed-it bill — people like Chris Evans, Barry Pepper, Marley Shelton, Radha Mitchell, Estella Warren (Pardue's costar in Driven) and Derek Luke. Who's an actor you thought was going to hit big but then mysteriously fizzled?

Fugmiscuous

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:00:18 -0500

This outfit reads like a bad date.As in, a guy invited her out and didn't tell her what he had planned for the evening, and despite the fact that she gussied up in her very best forest-green sequined...

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Anna Torv probably could've picked a better topless pose

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:10:00 -0500

Because Esquire is apparently ditching the impeccably dressed male crowd in favor of sci-fi geeks, here's Fringe star Anna Torv posing half-naked for the March 2010 issue. That said, I have no explanation for why she's basically taking a... ...read full story

Freaky Fug Friday: Voting Edition

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:00:58 -0500

I have to say, the acrostic challenges -- like this one -- really, really bring out the best in Fug Nation. This week's Freaky Fug Friday was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to narrow down -- truly. I could easily...

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The Best Animated Feature Oscar Honors Outstanding Achievement in Frightening Children

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:11:04 -0500

The Oscars are on a campaign to ruin the psyche's of America's children. How? By nominating seriously scary movies for the Gee Willickers Awesome Cartoon Trophy. Beware what you're doing to your kids by taking them to see these.

Before you rush out and get all the nominees on DVD thinking that you're giving your kids an artistic experience, just stop yourself. Remember, many of us had traumatic childhood experiences by watching movies that were way too creepy and adult for us at too young an age. I'm still haunted by nightmares of solar eclipses and Bette Davis' wizened rictus from seeing the seriously fucked up Watcher in the Woods on the Disney Channel as a young lad. Because of that movie I am petrified of anything having to do with darkness or growing old and racked by female icon abandonment issues (don't leave me, Madonna!).

This crop of pictures is just waiting to give your kids not only nightmares but years and years of issues that will need to be cured with very expensive therapy. Before you do irreparable harm, at least know what you're getting yourself into before you press play and sit them down in front of the electronic babysitter.

Up
Plot: An old man loses his infertile wife and attaches balloons to his house in a suicide mission to have the adventure he never had.
Psychological Symptoms: An unease around grandparents, the intense desire to procreate, fear of death, cruelty to animals specifically dogs, Peter Pan syndrome, escapist tendencies.
What You Should Get Your Kid: A big hug, cause she's going to need it after the ber-depressing first 10 minutes of this movie that puts Bambi to shame.
Psychiatric Referral: Dr. Frazier Crane
Terror Scale: 8

Coraline
Plot: A girl moves to a new home and is ignored by her parents so she escapes to a magical realm that is a parallel to her own but everything is wonderful. Too bad the "other mother" in the dream world is trying to steal her soul.
Psychological Symptoms: Depression, nightmares, sleeping troubles, abandonment issues, matricidal impulses, fear of the dark, claustrophobia, aicmophobia (fear of needles), OCD disorder relating to the collection of Sandman comics and Morrissey CDs
What You Should Get Your Kid: Some acne medication and a gift certificate to Hot Topic, because you just created a grade-A goth of Nick Cave proportions.
Psychiatric Referral: Dr. Jennifer Melfi
Terror Scale: 9

The Princess and the Frog
Plot: Princess Tiana is a waitress who wants to own a restaurant and when she kisses a frog thinking he's a prince, she turns into a frog herself.
Psychological Symptoms: Narcissism, psychotic breaks where she thinks she's ruler of the land, hatred of jazz music, unsubstantiated entitlement, codependency on the men in her life, obsession with designer alligator handbags.
What You Should Get Your Kid: A job, because no one is going to want to hire your spoiled little princess—or marry her.
Psychiatric Referral: Dr. Otto Scratchnsniff
Terror Scale: 6

Fantastic Mr. Fox
Plot: A married fox has a mid-life crisis and goes back to his criminal ways to feel young again. His actions threaten his entire animal village and eventually imperil his family. He is a sad, slick fox.
Psychological Symptoms: Insecurity about his intellectual abilities, fear of mortality, crippling indecision, refusal to follow orders, severe rebellious tendencies, hatred of authority, performance anxiety-related impotence.
What You Should Get Your Kid: A pair of skinny jeans and an ironic band T-shirt, because you have morphed your child into an insufferable hipster. Might as well get them an HPV vaccine now as well.
Psychiatric Referral: Dr. Tobias Fnke
Terror Scale: 7

The Secret of Kells
Plot: I don't know. No one even heard of this movie before last week.
Psychological Symptoms: Love of math, inability to dress appropriately, fear of the opposite sex, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, fetishization of small plastic figurines based on sci-fi characters, long-lasting virginity.
What You Should Get Your Kid: A bloody nose, because if you don't then the bullies on the playground will, because you just turned your kid into the biggest nerd since Steve Urkel. Who wants to hang out with the kid who is raving about some dorky movie no one ever heard of?
Psychiatric Referral: Dr. George Huang
Terror Scale: 4

The Fuggs

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:00:57 -0500

The Hills is starting to bum me out. It's beginning to seem like all those girls have some kind of depressing body dysmorphia, since most of them have either had plastic surgery or dropped loads of...

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Big Love: Sweating It Out

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:26:00 -0500

The fourth season of HBO's sweeping melodrama was brought down to Earth a bit this week, even though the beginning of the episode seemed like an overstuffed Robert Altman movie.

I know this whole Bill-runs-for-office storyline is annoying some fans — because it seems to forget Barb's outing in the first season, because in these days of dirt-digging and mud-slinging no one could possibly expect a secret that big to stay hidden — and for the most part those fans are right. The whole thing is a little too much. It's just not terribly believable that a years-practiced caution would be so impulsively thrown to the wind. But last night I was glad for the whole thing, because it gave the show a big and rousing platform to discuss the tragedy of the Lost Boys, crime-prone young men who are cast out of FLDS compounds and left to survive on their own.

Mostly I'm glad that the show finally dug into Bill's past. We'd known since the beginning of the show that he was cast out of Juniper Creek, but didn't know any particular details of that part of his history. That he was a troubled kid with a rap sheet wasn't surprising. That Bill Paxton was such a dish in his younger years? Big surprise! That was really the most valuable thing we learned last night. Though, maybe it was just that dark greaser mugshot that made him look good. Because here, for example? Not so much.

But whatever. Yes, Bill was cast out by his father and now he's, inadvertently to some degree, done the same thing to Ben. That weird, noodley kid did some strong acting last night, looking more poised and mature, though sad and shaken, than he ever has before. Props also to sis Amanda Seyfried, who does beatific concern so well. I'm not sure when we'll see Ben next, though I'd bet that it's going to be a big part of the end of this season or the beginning of the next one. I don't exactly see happy things happening.

Meanwhile, with the wives. Everyone's mad and a little bit grossed out by Margene, who was being weirdly indignant about being in trouble. She kept trying to shake it off, trying to get people to let it go, because really it's not such a big deal, right? Except, well, yes of course it is a big deal. Jeanne Tripplehorn did fabulous work as Barb went from sad to mad and back to sad again, once again feeling the crushing weight of this bizarre and booby-trapped family life she's chosen for herself. Also, let's take a moment to say: Toldja so, vis a vis Barb and the Injun. She and Tommy had a strange bonding session in a sweat lodge during which we learned that Tommy lost his wife and two children to a drunk driving accident and that Barb really likes to sweat. The whole sweat lodge thing seemed a little over the top, I mean they did it on 90210 for god's sake, but I do so love to see Tripplehorn chin-deep in the business of acting, so I didn't really mind. I don't know where the Tommy thing might go, but I suspect that Barb is on the hunt for something wildly different from the norm. Might this finally be the start of her long-overdue escape from polygamy?

Nicki was all tangled up in the campaign stuff, serving as a mole in the competition's office and beginning to have some moral doubts about the sneakier work that Bill asks her to do. She likes being his special little "secret weapon," but also isn't quite sure what to make of the fact that she's the only one ever asked to do the devious, underhanded stuff. You bad, Nicki. Just deal with it.

So amid all the Ben hullabaloo we saw Bill's campaign suffer and rally, both helped and hurt by the tricky presence of Sissy Spacek's Marilyn the Lobbyist. She wanted in at the Indian casino, but Bill doesn't trust her. So he set up a fake meeting with Tommy just so she could hear Tommy say no, but then she found out that she was set up, and boy is she pissed. So Bill really has made a nasty enemy, definitely worse than his local campaign rival, who tried to call Bill out on his sinister past, but ended up galvanizing him instead. Oops! Sorry, strict dad from Everwood. Good luck in four years.

Bill's crazy parents showed up again, this time a bit meaner and sadder than we usually see them. Lois's heart was broken when her beloved little Benny told her about Bill's exiling, while nasty old dad was just pissed that Bill had a big fancy casino and had never invited him to come play, for free. Naturally they showed up while Marilyn was there and all the wives were fighting with Ben. So many things to juggle! A lot of the episode felt a little Noises Off backstagey, doors slamming constantly with entrances and exits, fast-paced problems piling up on top of each other with alarming speed.

The hour was definitely was chock full of nuts, on occasion a bit too full, but again I found it all worth it for Bill's impassioned Lost Boys-defending speech at the run-off debate. Apparently the fictional nominating committee did too, because he won the darn thing. Which means he'll now be running a real election for the seat, presumably against a Democrat. Which means... he'll probably win, right? Though Bill would be wise to not to get too swept up by the whole thing while Margene goes slightly nuts, Nicki tries desperately to get pregnant, and Barb sits in the bathroom weeping and trying to create her own sweat lodge. Obviously Bill will be ignorant of this stuff until just before it's too late, because that's how this show works. And how Bill works. It was refreshing to see him actually shoulder the blame and apologize for something last night, but I don't think his honestly self-reflective period will last terribly long.

Creepy thing that happened: weirdo Ben kinda hit on Nicki's timid, moon-faced daughter. Again with this show and the murky incest stuff! I guess it goes to show that no matter how mainstream you try to make that life — with nice new houses and a swimming pool and big cars and all that — the whole multiple marriage thing can ultimately become warped and ugly, full of strange complications and forces that pull and tear at you from all directions. I bet you the show will go one more season after this and then, in the end, we'll have some of the family in tatters. How else, with all of these fractures spidering and spreading out, could it really go down.

I don't think the sprawling Henrikson clan can possibly stay one cohesive unit with all this shit up in the air, though I'm not sure who'd like be the first person to leave. My money's always been on Barb, but now maybe it could feasibly be Nicki the Manic or Margene the Flirt. Margene who had a little Betty Draper/Henry Francis-style meet cute with that silver-smooth congressman. I just feel as though someone, other than Ben and Sarah, is going to walk away soon. I both can and can't wait to find out who.

So what'd you think? Any questions? Any favorite moments that I missed (I'm sure there are many)? Mostly I'm just glad that Professor Lasky was back. I like him.

That Fug Show

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:00:06 -0500

You guys, I'm scared.[Photo: Splash News]Do you think there's a cosmic reason Wilmer Valderrama is dressing like Kevin Federline? BECAUSE THAT CANNOT BE GOOD....

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Brad Pitt still loves a part of Angelina

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:55:00 -0500

Dear Every Woman Who Dreams of One Day Landing a Sophisticated Hollywood Dreamboat Who Won't Grope Your Chest at Random Moments Like Your Current Man, NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE. Love, The Superficial... ...read full story

Fug or Fab: Kim Kardashian

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:00:40 -0500

Kim Kardashian IS pretty. Even if you hate her, she's pretty. And I say that as someone who has never managed to sit through an entire episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians despite ALSO being...

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Olivia Munn is dead to me

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:40:00 -0500

Dane Cook posted a picture of himself with Olivia Munn at the Super Bowl yesterday and there's no way these two aren't fucking. If you're dumb enough to be photographed with Dane Cook at the start of your acting... ...read full story

The Gold Rush

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:40:00 -0500

Mark Harris, former Entertainment Weekly editor and partner of Tony Kushner, has a long and engrossing cover-story about crazy Oscar campaigning in this week's New York. Learn why Jeff Bridges will win and Colin Firth won't. Plus: the Mo'Nique backlash.

David Letterman Resorted to Extreme Measures to Land Jay Leno for His Super Bowl Gag

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:27:56 -0500

You think it's easy getting Oprah Winfrey, Jay Leno, and David Letterman in a room together to tape a 15-second gag for the Super Bowl? Then you're wrong! This thing took private jets, corporate rescheduling, even espionage!

According to Bill Carter's Media Decoder blog today, Letterman came up with the idea for the promo himself and then his team pitched it to Oprah who agreed immediately (due to his studio's proximity to Mariella Pizza, her favorite slice in the city) but Leno had to clear it with NBC, rearranged the prime-time schedule so that he could have last Tuesday evening free to tape the spot, and borrow the corporate jet to fly to New York. It was done in the Ed Sullivan theater in Midtown, but Leno had to wear a hoodie, sunglasses and a mustache to get into the theater undetected. This is more cover than Valerie Plame ever got. Apparently the two men got on well and the filming took only 30 minutes then Oprah sprinkled crushed pepper from Mariella's on everyone and chanted some magic words and made them hug and all was forgiven. Well, for five minutes at least until Leno took off his disguise and Jeff Zucker screamed at him for racking up a huge bill while unsuccessfully trying to repair his image by filming a promo for a competing show. Oprah hugs aren't as powerful as they used to be.

Not Even the Na'vi Can Fight Puppy Love

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:21:00 -0500

The biggest movie ever made was finally unseated in the top spot this weekend, by a swoony little romance picture no less. Will someone please go check on Jim Cameron to make sure he's OK?

1) Dear John — $32.4 million
Even though Channing Tatum has now become extremely obese and it's likely that no one will ever love him again, the ladyfolk still went scrambling for this crazy movie about two crazy kids — he the brawling and brooding soldierboy, she the bug-eyed ethereal college student — who meet cute in the Carolinas and then do it in the Life As a House house. The first film to unseat Avatar since the Pandora moon skipped its orbit, drifted through space, and crashed into Earth, Dear John will stand as the greatest soldier-related romance since Chris O'Donnell played Ernest Hemingway in that movie about Papa's real-life affair with Sandra Bullock. A hit with female viewers, some male audience members reported being disappointed that Dear John wasn't, as they'd hoped, a feature-version of one of those Hookers at the Point HBO "documentaries."

2) Avatar — $23.6 million
Heads hung in shame, sad little loincloths flapping in the mocking breeze, bows and arrows and sticks and stones held weakly, the Na'vi are crushed by their defeat at the hands of two gooey Republican teenagers. Though they'll likely be right back on top next week (receipts only dropped a small 25% from last weekend), it's still a completely embarrassing loss. Though they were able to defeat an entire steel- and bullet-fattened modern mechanized army back on Endor, they just couldn't overcome Seyfried's bulging seein' spuds, Tatum's mesmerizing jiggling rolls of soldierfat, and that goddamned song. In their rage and embarrassment, many Na'vi plan to go hair-fuck the shit out of some space dragons.

3) From Paris with Love — $8.1 million
Oh dear. Despite John Travolta's brilliant performance as Sinbad the Sailor, this film just couldn't get traction at the old box office. Maybe it was the faggy French word in the title? Or maybe it was the word "Paris"? Maybe people still can't figure out just who the hell Jonathan Rhys Meyers is. He was an action guy in Mission Impossible 3 and now this. But he's like the sexy British king guy on The Tudors. And like weird and indie or whatever in that David Bowie movie and in Match Point. And then he was just like straight up gay in that Bend it Like Beckham soccer movie. He's sort of a mystery! So that must be why the film performed poorly. Surely it can't have anything to do with John Travolta's searing performance as Sinbad the Comedian.

4) Edge of Darkness — $7 million
Falling a big 59% in its second weekend, it appears that this might not be the big Mel Gibson comeback picture nobody but Mel Gibson had been hoping for. Was Jonathan Rhys Meyers in this thing? What's the problem here? OK, well. Can't cry over spilled milk. Next time around let's put Mel in some board shorts, give him a nice tan and a puka shell necklace, and pair him up with a Traveling Pants girl or something. They can meet cute at the beach and have a romance, but her dad won't want her hanging around with a tough street kid like Mel Gibson, and then this song will play and all will be forgiven.

8) Crazy Heart — $3.6 million
Thanks to 700 extra movie theaters and 3 shiny new Oscar nominations, this movie about Jeff Bridges playing Mickey Rourke playing Neil Young finally cracked the top ten after eight weeks in release. Buoyed by that pretty song and Maggie Gyllenhaal's lovely performance as Marisa Tomei as a younger, hipper Susan Orlean or something, the film ought to have legs for a few more weeks while Oscar buzz and word-of-mouth grows. Plus Colin Farrell is in it. Did you know that? Yep, he is. We're not sure who exactly he's playing though.

Fugus and Fuglange

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:00:14 -0500

SOLANGE: A strapless bandage dress? With THOSE tan lines?VENUS: A jacket made of fishing lures? With LEGGINGS?SOLANGE: You're right. Checkmate.VENUS: Thank you....

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Which Star Made a Drunken Ass of Himself at the Super Bowl?

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:41:32 -0500

Who didn't behave badly at a Super Bowl party yesterday? At least your hogging the nachos didn't land you in the gossip sheets. Also a drug-addled actress, a crotch-baring actor, and a wife-berating comedian. It's time for the kick off.

1. "Which young star embarrassed themselves at a Superbowl party yesterday? Not only did they have way too much to drink, they were also very loudly critical of both musical guests that performed. During Carrie Underwood's singing of The National Anthem, they started to howl and clutched their ears as if in pain. During The Who's halftime performance, they talked loudly about how stupid it was to have some "Grandpa Band" that nobody ever heard of playing. When someone at the party asked them to pipe down because they actually did want to hear the music, the young star responded by saying that it was a waste of time to listen to music that sounded like crap they had heard a million times before. It will be interesting to see how much our star enjoys people critiquing their singing in an upcoming film." [Blind Gossip]

2. "This married Academy Award winner/nominee actress is a big fan of Adderall. She hides it from her A list celebrity husband though because of his past addictions. She has given him so much crap but doesn't want to hear him give it back to her." [CDaN]

3. "This aging A list Academy Award winner/nominee actor loves when his teen children have girls come over to the house. Our actor spends the entire time they are there in a bathrobe and Speedo. No matter the time of day or the time of year." [CDaN]

4. "This A list comedy actor was having a party at his house. The intercom system was on so music could be listened to throughout the house. Unfortunately for our actor the music stopped just as he was berating his B- list actress wife for embarrassing him in front of his friends. He also called her worthless. Nice huh?" [CDaN]

Reggie Bush is getting anal tonight

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:35:00 -0500

I may not like Kim Kardashian. I may think she's everything that's wrong with America if it had a giant ass and a penchant for trick photography. I might even nurse a theory that her entire family murdered Nicole... ...read full story

The 3-D Blue Warrior Dicktail Tribe of Avatar Unseated by Weepy PenPal Suckfest of Dear John

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 13:00:00 -0500

Of all the films to unseat Avatar's domination over the box office, I doubt Dear, John—which I hadn't even heard of until watching cheeseball Sandy Kenyon trash it on Taxi TV last night—was the frontrunner to do so.

However, the Mighty Blue Dicktails of the Na'vi Tribe were no match for another Nicholas Sparks book about people writing things to each other while being pretty and sad. Per the LA Times:

In the first major box office shocker of 2010, tearjerker "Dear John" displaced "Avatar" from the top of the chart with a very strong $32.4 million opening in the U.S. and Canada, according to an estimate from distributor Sony Pictures.
James Cameron's 3-D spectacle "Avatar" took in $23.6 million, bringing its domestic total to $630.1 million. "Avatar" ticket sales were down 25% on its eighth weekend. That's the science-fiction blockbuster's second-highest decline since it launched, demonstrating that it was affected by the new competition.

Affected? Somewhere, James Cameron is in the fetal position, as if he giant Tree of Blue Sparkly Life was just cut down by The Man. And not just The Man, but The Man Who Knows How to Talk to Women. Human women. The irony of a guy whose failed relationships are attributed to his workaholic habits being unseated by a weepy, saccharine sweet romance movie about people writing things to each other using actual pen and paper—so analog— is kind of glorious. Also, the nicest thing said about Dear John, via Metacritic, came from A.O. Scott at the New York Times, who noted:

Dear John carefully distills selected elements of human experience and reduces them to a sweet and digestible syrup. It may not be strong medicine, but it delivers an effective, pleasing dose of pure sentiment and vicarious heartache.

If by "effective" you mean "Dicktail Circumcising," then by all means, yes. Also, this goes without saying, but whatever was going to unseat Avatar was going to be a "shocker" regardless, as movie theaters might finally be getting used to the acne-prone masses of now perpetually four-eyed depth-perception challenged individuals spending their weekends fantasizing about six feet short of D & D meeting in the middle with Smurf Sex. As Cameron has no doubt learned by now, there's no substitute for the Real McCoy, be it in human-to-human love, or penises that double as ignition keys for flying wombats of death. Long live The Dicktail.

Warren Sapp Mug Shot

Former NFL star and Dancing With the Stars contestant Warren Sapp was arrested by Miami Beach cops and charged with misdemeanor domestic battery.

Fug and Pieces: February 5

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:30:21 -0500

-- Did you know that curling dates to medieval Scotland? The origins of 10 winter Olympic sports are pretty fascinating. (Mental Floss)-- Tom Ford shamed Colin Firth into going to the gym to get in...

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Lost, Reimagined As '60s Pulp Fiction

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:30:00 -0500

Faster Smoke Monster! Kill! Kill! Here's a fun Lost-related video made by some fans for last year's Comic Con. So it's a little old, but it's still pretty neat. We almost wish the show really was like this. [via EW]

Fug Nation's Grammy Awards Best and Worst Dressed

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:45:11 -0500

Again, many thanks for voting in Fug Nations' Best and Worst of the Grammys poll! No need for a run-off this time, as our winners/losers were very definitive. AND THEY ARE:BEST DRESSED: Lea...

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Mug Shots Of The Week 2/5/2010

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:40:00 -0500

Just when it seemed like only Barack Obama supporters got arrested wearing t-shirts with his name and likeness, Florida cops collared the gentleman who kicks off this week's mug shot package.

Lorraine Nicholson still wearing bikinis and other news

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:30:00 -0500

- ?uestlove sets the record straight about NBC's Black History menu yet still doesn't address the hateful lack of grape soda. "SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT!" [PopEater] - Jessica Simpson is not fucking Taylor Kitsch. [Lainey Gossip] - Mischa Barton... ...read full story

Chick, By Nicky Fugton

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:01:31 -0500

"Hey, Nicky!""Dude, your dress is leaking."...

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Where'd You Get That Lotion?

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:50:00 -0500

A Massachusetts man allegedly stuffed 75 bottles of lotion in his pants during a shoplifting tear at a Bath and Body Works store, police charge.

Can Indie Movies Survive?

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:31:04 -0500

Indie films have become the lost children of Hollywood in recent years. Author Edward Jay Epstein explains why Hollywood is abandoning the indie movie business in favor of merchandisable CGI spectacles like Avatar.

If you are a producer of indie movies, the great sucking sound you may be hearing is Avatar draining money from your future projects. While this brilliant Pocahantas-meets-Jurassic Park mashup may be a bonanza for Rupert Murdoch's 20th Century Fox studio, which gets a distribution fee on every dollar it brings in from theaters, video stores, and TV, and its producer-director James Cameron, who gets a cut of the gross after it reached its Hollywood-defined $500 million cash break even point, it will further convince the heads of the major studios that their salvation lies in putting their money in "high value" movies laden with mesmerizing visual effects that can be simultaneously opened on more than 5,000 screens around the world and lend themselves to sequels, merchandise tie-ins, toy licensing, and theme parks rides.

To be sure, even before the phenomenal success of Avatar, the Big Six studios were shying away from smaller movies despite their potential profits. Consider, for example. the sad story told to me by one of the most successful indie producers in New York. In 2009, he brought a major studio a $20 million project packaged with a hot director and two stars. After running the numbers, the studio estimated that its potential box-office in America at $100 million, which would yield it, just from its 30% distribution fee and a locked-in output deal with HBO, a 100% profit on its investment. But it turned down the project. One of the studio's top executives told the producer, "We don't do films that do not have a projected box-office of at least $150 million."

The reason for this rule is that a studio has only a limited number of slots for its releases at multiplexes and it has to fill them with projects, whether profitable or not, that generate maximum revenue, since the slice it takes off the top in the form of distribution fee pays the studio's overhead (which includes the executive's six-figure paycheck). This means worldwide grosses — almost 75 percent of Avatar ticket sales is from foreign audience — and indie films even if they are profitable, cannot be counted on to do that job.

Unlike a studio producer, an indie producer rarely, if ever, has a U.S. distribution deal in advance of shooting. To raise the money to shoot a film, he or she must either find an outside investor, an equity partner, or get a bank loan. What made loans possible, at least up until recently, were the availability of pre-sales agreements. These odd devices, which had been the backbone of indie financing since Dino de Laurentiis invented them in the 1970s, worked as follows: an indie produced would sell the distribution rights in foreign territories and then use the contracts as collateral to borrow from banks. Foreign buyers were willing to sign pre-sales deals because they assumed the film would get U.S. distribution since up until 2008 there was no shortage of smaller distributors specializing in indie films, including Miramax, Fox Searchlight, Fox Atomic Films, Paramount Vantage, Warner Independent Pictures, Picturehouse, New Line, Fine Line Features, Focus Features, Sony Pictures Classics, Lionsgate, the Weinstein Company, and Summit Entertainment.

Since the cash flows from indie films tends to be erratic, these smaller distributors had come to rely on advance output deals with three pay TV channels — HBO, Showtime, and Starz — to pay their overhead. In return, the pay channels got the exclusive rights to show their new movies. In 2008, for example, the $80 million that New Line Cinema received from HBO paid its annual overhead and development costs. Bob Weinstein, the co-chairman of the Weinstein Company, not only described output deals as "the bedrock of thebusiness," but said in 2008 "not one company in this business could survive and succeed without one."

His words soon proved prophetic. When the pay-channels found they needed fewer movie titles to retain subscribers, and began cutting back on their output deals in 2008, the "bedrock" crumbled within a matter of months. By 2010, most of these indie distributors and mini-majors were effectively out of business including New Line Cinema, Fine Line Features, Picturehouse, Warner Independent, Fox Atomic, and Paramount Vantage. Miramax, the linchpin of indie distribution for nearly two decades, closed down its main office in New York, and its owner, Walt Disney, is currently trying to sell its name and library Harvey and Bob Weinstein, who founded Miramax and named it after their parents Miriam and Max reportedly want to buy back the name but, under pressure from their banks, no longer have the money to do so. Almost all remaining players have drastically changed their acquisition strategy. Sony Pictures Classics does not buy any film that costs over $2 million, Focus Features is putting its resources mainly in co-production deals in Asia, and Lionsgate is investing in horror sequels like Saw VII. With the prospect of American distribution rapidly fading, indie producers are now finding pre-sale financing almost impossible. "It's a dead business model," a former Miramax executive said.

If so how can Indie producers continue to make movies? They might be able to find wealthy individuals entranced enough with a movie fantasy to put up the money, but they still need to devise a new way in this digital age to distribute them to an audience willing to see something more than the movie versions of amusement park rides.

Edward Jay Epstein is the author of 14 books, including two examining the movie business: The Hollywood Economist: The Reality Behind The Movie Business will be published by Melville House later this month, which follows his 2005 book The Big Picture: Money and Power in Hollywood.

Image via Michael Kesler's Flickr

Rihanna wears crazy shit

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:20:00 -0500

Here's Rihanna performing at the Pepsi Super Bowl Fan Jam in Miami last night and she has to be feeling pretty awesome considering this time last year she was recovering from a car door to the face. Also, I... ...read full story

Fug or Fab: Alexandra Daddario

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:00:16 -0500

I recognize Alexandra Daddario here from her role on White Collar -- or, as I call it, Hot Con Man Shenanigans -- but apparently, she's also in Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief,...

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We're Still Waiting for the Answer to Cop Out's Greatest Mystery

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:31:24 -0500

A swear-filled trailer for Kevin Smith's cop comedy, starring Bruce Willis and manic genius and/or complete lunatic Tracy Morgan, actually made us laugh (dick jokes!), but one thing's missing: There's nary a glimpse of the funniest-looking thing about the movie.

When we first ran the photo of Morgan in a giant cellphone costume frantically pedaling a tricycle it was just about the only thing that could possibly make us want to see what we were convinced was going to be an otherwise terrible movie. Kevin Smith hasn't made a good film in well over a decade, and He's White, He's Black! buddy cop comedies haven't been funny in even longer than that. But that absurdist image! Oh it drew us in. And today this profane new trailer made us think that perhaps there are other funnies to be had — elicited mostly by the insane clown Morgan — but it doesn't elaborate on this precious and intriguing image at all. We see the costume, but not the bike. We suppose we'll just have to wait and, sigh, actually see the thing to find out just what the hell is going on there. In the meantime we're just going to go ahead and keep snickering like 13-year-olds at the crotch kicks and naughty words.

Philadelphia, you're alright.

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:15:00 -0500

Snooki made an appearance at the Philadelphia Wing Bowl this morning where the fine citizens decided to boo loudly any time her Jamie-Lynn Sigler With The Gout face appeared on the Jumbo-tron. In response, Snooki flipped off the entire... ...read full story

10 Things You May Have Missed On TV This Week

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:00:00 -0500

In this week's compilation of pop culture crap Snooki gives the finger on live TV, Mel Gibson calls a reporter an asshole, and NBC clears a "large vagina" joke.

1.) Snooki flips the bird.
Schnickers was the red carpet star during a promotional appearance for some kind of chicken wings competition in Philadelphia. For reasons unknown, the crowd was booing her. A reporter, covering the event for a local news channel, called Snooki over, where she gave the finger to the camera. She needs to be on live TV more often.

2.) Betty White watches Jersey Shore.
While appearing on The Insider as a guest panelist this week, Betty White was shown pictures of different male celebrities' abs, and asked to identify them. She picked up on The Sitch right away.

3.) Mel Gibson: Asshole
During a press junket for his new film Edge of Darkness, Mel Gibson seemed shocked and appalled that anyone would dare ask him questions about the sundry scandals he's been involved with in the past few years. So how does he handle his past bad press? Create new bad press!

4.) Lindsay Lohan's "art"
The Insider is currently running an ongoing piece wherein Niecy Nash is helping Lindsay with her hoarding addiction. As the cameras panned around her condo, some of Lindsay's personal art projects were displayed. The coverage of Lindsay's mess will continue tonight.

5.) Sarah Silverman's bedpost notches
While on The Joy Behar Show, Joy tactlessly asked Sarah about which comedians she's had sex with. Sarah rolled with it, and told Joy everything, including to whom she lost her virginity.

6.) What's the deal with Bob Forrest's style?
Bob Forrest is a musician, L.A. scenester and drug counselor (both in real life and on Celebrity Rehab). So my question is, why does he dress like he's Johnny Depp going to a film premiere in Cannes? Did Johnny see him at the Viper Room or something and rip him off, or is he copying Johnny? Chicken or the egg, basically.

7.) Do you want to dress like one of the Real Housewives?
I'm assuming the answer to that question is "no." However, Bravo went ahead and started the "Royal Plush Real Housewives Collection" clothing line.

8.) Parenting 101

9.) "That ain't right" but it's OK.
A police officer in Houston actually requested that his badge number be "666," in order to honor the memory of his late grandfather, who also had that badge number when serving for the HPD. Interestingly, their family name is "Black." Coincidence?

10.) "Large vagina" joke on network TV

Destiny's Fugld

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:00:00 -0500

The other day, I read that Michelle Williams would be starring in Chicago on Broadway once Ashlee Simpson leaves. And I thought, "Damn, I would go see that," because I love Michelle Williams, and...

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DGA Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Zoe Saldana

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:00:20 -0500

About ninety-nine percent of Zoe Saldana looks fab, and indeed, it's possible all of her does. But I'm concerned someone attacked her pelvis with a paintball gun -- some crazed Avatar fan who...

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Real Housewives of Orange County: Marriage, Californian Style

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:54:00 -0500

If you've ever been to one of those awful gator parks in Florida, the ones off the highway, then you've seen this show before: A bunch of ancient scaly things laying about, moving only occasionally to viciously snap at something.

It's too bad there aren't any alligators in Orange County, because if there were we could just set them loose and they'd devour these horrible women and we could move on with our lives. But there aren't any, so we have to continue, gurgle on with them until they are done with us, until they have released their leathery talons and disappeared into the afternoon once again.

Last night's episode was all about Wives. Yes, I know that's a silly statement in a show called Housewives of Hell, but last night really really was about Wives. Wives who are good and wives who are bad. Some wives who keep their heads down and their boobs up and other wives who break the yoke and trundle off on their own, leaving their poor husbands frustrated and scratching their heads and eating cold pizza over the sink while simultaneously peeing into it. One of the good wives is Tamra, though she has veered dangerously of late to the bad dark side, mostly because of her wicked friend Vicki, a momma who profits dollas.

Vicki has been saying terrible things to Tamra, mostly about Tamra's tanned scrapple heap of a husband, Simon. This greatly displeases Simon, because before Vicki came along everything was hunky-dory. Tamra would just nod and smile at Simon when he told her things and then once nightly he'd enter the boudoir and there she would be, hunched up on the dark mahogany canopy bed, ready for a romantic evening of shuddering and guttural grunting. But now! Now she talks back to Simon and occasionally says less than favorable things about him behind his back, to her best friend, and that is just unacceptable. I used to have a cute little kitten that mewed at me and curled up on my lap and didn't want to spend a night alone in the living room. Now I have a six-month-old teen girl cat who I feed and pay for and who only gives me the time of day on her own terms. So, I kind of know how Simon feels.

But when Vicki isn't around, oh the good times they have! Last night Tamra went with her dorsal-finned fart of a son, Ryan, to a tattoo parlor. Previously against permanent inking, Tam was now desperate to try anything. She and Simon were having problumz and she knew of only one way to fix it. She had the tattoo man put Simon's name in scrawly cursive on her left ring finger. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Old people can be so cute sometimes. Tamra chuckled to herself and said something about how usually when you get someone's name tattooed on you, it means you're headed for divorce. Because so many married adults these days are getting I Love You tattoos in their forties. But whatever, yes, Tamra! That is a valid fear. You might get the tattoo on your finger-fanger or somewhere else and then suddenly that person's name is mud to you and... What's that? Oh. Oh dear.

Anyway. Scabby finger on hand, Tamra put on her best badass biker outfit and went puttering off on Simon's mechanized penis scooter. This is what the (formerly) moneyed folks of Orange County do, I guess. They put on biker costumes — I mean they really are costumes, with hats and jackets and shoes and even facial expressions — and go gallivanting up the coastline to a bar called Billy Bones' Beer Bungalow or something and do syrupy green shots and just be generally classy. Guys, I just do not understand the West. I mean, there's some motorcycle culture in Rhode Island that I see every summer, but those folks are biker folks all the time. That's just who they are. They don't have any other clothes, especially not flowy pieces of Day-Glo cloth that are meant to be lashed around the midsection. But these California types supposedly have all the money and love to talk about having all the class, and then once in a while these nerdy fucking guys will put on the Biker Bob costume they got at Eckerds, strap their wifebabes on the back of the bike, and just putter off like that's how they do. It's just so weird.

Soooooooooo. The easy riders had parked their hogs at Daddy Zeke's Road House and everyone was drinking those Ecto Cooler shooters and Tamra decided to lasso the attention of the table so she could show Simon her new Forever Your Girl finger-tat. She tried very awkwardly to do this long setup. "Remember when I said I was going to the mall with Raylene? Well... I lied." Simon frowned. Simon no like wife-lie. "So yeah... I wasn't at the mall. And I just feel that I owe you the truth..." Simon started to really bristle now. He was pretty sure his wife wouldn't confess something terrible in front of friends, but they were on a reality show after all. "But... it's very hard..." Oh this was not good. She was going to tell him she'd jeeped on him right in front of his rockin' cool biker friends, Ned and Steve. "But I just... I have to tell you..." Simon looked miserable and coiled and panicked. (He has the ability to take on something of a Voldemortian quality, doesn't he?) This was Not. Good. He braced himself for impact. And then she showed him the tattoo.

Oh. A tattoo. At first he seemed mad. Sort of knee-jerk, on-principle mad because his property had permanently changed itself without his permission. This irked him. But then he saw Tamra's face cracking into a hopeful smile and he decided to backhandedly forgive her. He grabbed her scabby hand and said "This is the first unselfish thing you've done in a long time." She might have heard the terrible thing he said, I couldn't tell, but either way Tamra acted as though she hadn't. "Huh?" Simon's eyes flickered and darted. "I said it's a very unselfish thing you did." Which isn't what he said! There's an important nuance to the sentence that he left out the second time. But oh well. The couple looked happy and all their shlubby middle-management pretend biker friends gave them a toast and it was, some say, the rockingest afternoon that Seor Skeleton's has ever seen.

With a sound of fizzing chemicals and bubbling beakers and notes being furiously scrawled on a big yellow pad, we move to Dr. Gretchen, Makeup Chemist. After literally hours of toil, her cosmetics line was about to be launched. Gretchen Christine Beautay is just such a lovely product to think about buying, isn't it? To have all the pancaked cheeseburger good looks of Gretchen Rossi, while also getting the chance to say the word Beautay every time someone asks you why you look like Odo from Deep Space Nine today. "Oh, it's Beautay!" "Is it now..."

The most important thing about launching a makeup line is the launch party. Ohhhhh the launch party. Since your friends will be the only ones actually buying the product, you have to really woo them and thank them for their patronage by holding a big soiree. Hopefully we'll actually get to see the shindig, but if not, now that they've shown us Gretchen planning the thing with an events person, at least we'll have some idea of what it looked like. Gretchen has a keen eye for design and decorating, so she knew exactly what she wanted. There were to be white walls with black curtains, which sounds fine enough. Only 1) the white "walls" were just poorly draped fabric and 2) heavy black curtains over white fabric walls begins to sound like a funeral ball in a California Dreams dream sequence, doesn't it? "Sly Winkle.... You never should have tampered with that old fuse box you found in the basement of Sharky's.... Now Tiffani is deeaaaddddd..."

Well, to fight the funereal, Gretchen inquired about the availability of hot pink bows. Which, yes. Absolutely. The minute that final bouncy "S" comes out of your mouth when saying "hot pink bows," you have made it. Hang your name on a plaque at the Rotary Club. You're done. Beautay is yours. As the audience applauded, Gretchen took her bows. Sly Winkle learned a good lesson about do-it-yourself restaurant repair and Sam Woo convinced her stern Chinese parents that she wasn't screwing up in America. It was a good episode.

As the chorus of angels sings Tiffani to her rest, we can turn to see Alexis and her husband, Edward Hardy, basking in the celestial glow. They are such good people, are they not? In this episode of The God Squad, the two loverbirds went to go relive their first meeting. Of course they first met by the pool at the Marriott or something in Palm Desert. Of course. We'd get to hear the whole beautiful story later (it's above), but we'll get to that. Mostly the hotel excursion was an excuse for Ed Hardy to romantically tell us, the home audience, what he was looking for in a bride. Wit? Warmth? Empathy? Support? No. "I was looking for a wife that was elegant and looked nice, but was also sexy." So he wanted both the pumps-wearing Madonna and the Havasu trashbucket Whore, at the same time. He wants his cake and to eat three pieces of it too. He's such an ideal mate, isn't he? Just such a charming, attractive man. Ugh. If we go only by his simple rubric, elegant but sexy, why exactly does he merit someone that's either of those things, let alone both? He's about as elegant as a hippo trying to hold in a fart at the Louvre and about as sexy as a vat of Hormel chili riding an old rollercoaster. Which is to say: Very! So, he got elegant and sexy with Boobs over there. Self-righteous, materialistic, vain, and dumb were just unexpected freebies.

I'm pretty sure other things happened in the episode — Vicki counseled Gretchen about her Lil' Gretchen's Patented Animal Slurry company and it was basically like sitting auditing an advanced lecture class at Wharton — but let's skip that and get to the main event.

After she finally got let out after being locked in the library overnight (she'd been looking for berries), Lynn decided it was time to throw a housewarming party for her new modern-style rental house. It was very important that everything be perfect. So she threw a blanket over the two raging grease fires that are her daughters, told her husband to wear his best loose-fitting white linen shirt, and hired an enormous catering staff to make a fancy gourmet dinner for her guests. All the Housewives were invited and, shockingly, they all came.

Watching them all make their grand entrances was not unlike being at some fancy old-time gala, with a tuxedo'd butler type person announcing each couple's arrival. Except instead of a butler, it was just Lynn gurgling people's names, guacamole and hair gel spilling out of her mouth. "Prethenting Lord and Lady Smiley!!!" she gargled as Gretchen and Doug showed up. "The Bithop and Bithop's wife of Coto de Cathzual, Edward von Hardy and Melonth Meringue!" she burbled as Juggs and her tubby hubby flittered in an open window with their angel wings. It was just so grand and lovely, watching all the arrivals. Vicki and Donn took a limo. Tamra and Simon crashed through the wall on their growling Harley.

For some reason there were these cardboard stands set up everywhere, on the tables and on the bar, that made the whole thing look like a chain restaurant. Being that they're broke, I guess that's how Lynn subsidized the party. A sponsored housewarming! It's brilliant, in a devastating way. The staff was alert and attentive, especially a T-shirted bartender named Dustin, who stood the whole time with a game smile as the Housewives slurred and slopped all over each other, their insides quickly filling up with fruity booze drinks, pupils becoming unmoored and floating around their faces. Poor Dustin. Someone should write a play or something about him. What the Bartender Saw. Heartbreaking.

Everything at the party was going reasonably well — husbands grunted to other husbands about all the money they pretend to have, wives giggled and gooed over each other in their garish outfits — until, of course, old wounds had to be reopened. I am talking, of course, about the Battle for Tamra, a bloody and noble war fought between Vicki and Simon for Tamra's slightly-used soul. Vicki is, essentially, in the right here. Simon wants to treat Tamra like a living doll, though he is increasingly unable to, so he gets mad. This is bad and Vicki is right to point it out to Tamra. But, Vicki being Vicki, of course she takes it to the next level and doesn't just act as Tamra's confidant, but also broadcasts her opinions to anyone who will listen, including beady old Simon. This level of insolence from a woman is just not something Simon can tolerate, so he and Vicki often lock heads.

With everyone standing outside at the bar, Dustin humming quietly and trying desperately to stifle horrified laughter, the two tried to have an amicable chat. The problem was that Tamra was reeeeal drunk. Gretchen made a bitchy little aside about how she's heard, just heard, that Tamra is a secret drinker, and, well, I could totally believe it. Tamra was all loopy and acting like a first-time-drunk high school student, cooing and pawing at everyone, trying aggressively to make everyone happy and love each other. While Vicki and Simon stood on the deck and eyed each other warily, Tamra came stumbling up and grabbed their shoulders. "Here... here... kiss and be friends... Just kissss... Just once..." she drunkenly implored. Simon's prickers shot out of his face and Vicki's features rearranged into attack mode and it was on. Neither would cede any ground. "Stay outta my marriage!" Simon demanded. "You're the ones who dragged me in!" hooted Vicki. "It's none of your business!" insisted Simon. "Tamra made it my business!" Vicki barked. Tamra looked doe-eyed and sad, swaying there, watching her two favorites bicker. Dustin stepped back from the bar a bit, curious where this was all going to go, but not wanting to get accidentally involved.

After more of the same kind of statements, Simon stormed off the porch and Vicki decided to "take the high road" and just not do anything. Taking the high road after you've already driven a few miles down the low one isn't exactly an option in the real world, but we were in the logic-free land of Vickiworld, a place of horses wearing professor hats and reading books and small monkeys doing people's taxes, so anything pretty much went. After Simon stormed away, a clueless Lynn came barreling out on the veranda and said "What... what's... is this about the gym?" See, earlier Lynn had been making everyone do weird wall-squats and had been begging Vicki to take three hours off of work every day to go to the gym with her, so she thought everyone was still fighting about exercise. What a simple pleasant place that woman lives in. In Lynnworld there are always meerkats rehearsing a play and everyone's always talking about exercise. After being informed that the argument was about bigger, deeper things, Lynn shrugged her shoulders and said "Hey Dustin, gimme another head-fuzzy." Dustin nodded and made her another drink.

At this point Simon had stormed out of the house in a huff, after being weakly begged to stay by the weary husbands, so drunken Tamra had to go find him. He was just sitting outside on the stoop, throwing pebbles at the ground and cursing stupid mean old girls. Tamra put on her best serious face and said "Babybits, whassamatter why are you so sad?" And Simon informed her that he was not controlling. That he let her do whatever she wanted. Oh he let her! How generous of him! What a choice he made! He could have decided to control her every move, because that is something that husbands have the innate and God-given power to do, but he didn't. And he wanted Tamra to accept this, to willingly lose herself to this controlling not-control, to hermetically seal herself off from anything in the outside world that might remotely tarnish Simon's good-hearted perfection. Shockingly, Tamra was won over by his case. You know what, Simon was right! Simon was perfect and Vicki was just a mean old ruiner. Just ruining everything with her opinions and principles and standards. Simon said they were happy, so they were happy. No, he doesn't control her at all.

Embarrassingly, Simon decided to come back to the party. "No, just getting some air" he said nonchalantly when the husbands were all "I thought you left." Yup, just getting some air. Just pretend sulking so his drunken wife could fumble out to find him and he could easily reprogram her. Then in the background we saw Lynn, running at breakneck speed across the living room. With an ear-splitting crash, she ran straight into an enormous gong and fell to the floor, legs still kicking like a beetle or wind-up toy. "Dinner is serrrrved!" she declared proudly from the ground. A cater waiter came by with a big snow shovel and scooped her up and plopped her into her chair. Everyone sat boy-girl, boy-girl and wouldn't you know it? Vicki ended up next to Simon. Oh the tension!

Dinner conversation eventually turned to How I Met Him, with all the wives telling charming and quaint and romantic little tales about how they found the blessed loves of their lives. Lynn told a darling story about standing in an exercise studio with heavily baby oiled legs, just staring out a window at nothing. Her future husband was driving by and just had to pull over to gaze at this strange tawny emu. He stopped in front of a hydrant and a police officer came by to give him a ticket but then Mr. Lynn just pointed to his future bride, who was so greased up that she'd fallen over and was sliding all over the floor, and the police officer just gave him the thumbs up, like in an '80s comedy. "Simply Irresistible" started playing as the policeman and the husband drooled nodded and Lynn slicked and crashed through the store window, sliding out onto the sidewalk and, eventually, out of view.

Next Tamra told a story about seeing Simon doing something called the all-male tush-push. The All-Male Tush-Push is apparently some sort of dance event in which hardcore biker guys present to possible mates. Tamra apparently thought while watching him "If he's that good on the dance floor, imagine what he's like in between the sheets!" Which is scary and sad. As the entirety of the story is basically recounted in Tristan and Isolde, I won't belabor you with the details.

Then it was Bubbies' turn. Oh what a whale of a tale this was! As we now know, Jiggles was prowling the pool at the Bakersfield Red Roof Inn, and Ed was just lounging around lookin' pretty fly for a white guy. Seriously, Bumps talked about how ripped and beautiful this man was. All of the other guests sort of made those cat clock eyes back and forth at each other, but let her continue. The story went on and on, as much of it was just long descriptions of Lumps' sexy outfit, and people began to grow bored. As she got to the part of the story where Ed walks up to her with a full bucket of beer and says "You're either thirsty or hot, so which one is it?" (seriously — elegant and sexy!), Vicki just couldn't handle it. So as sort of a joke, she lolled her head down onto her shoulder and started making loud snoring noises. This was sort of funny in a startlingly rude way, and Bulges was not happy!

Vicki said she was kidding, she was kidding, but it wasn't enough of an apology. Sacks just kind of trailed off and didn't end the story (which is lucky for us, because we really didn't want to hear the part about what happened back in the room with the bottle of Alize and the ping-pong paddle) and then everyone turned on Vicki. She was so mean to Donn, she was so controlling (there's that word again!) of Donn. For example, why didn't Donn come on the fabulous Florida trip? Well, because he wasn't invited. This didn't hold water with the other gents at the table, who just wouldn't let the darn thing go. Vicki had trundled off to the bathroom and when she came she asked what they were ragging on Donn for and he said "Oh that damn Florida trip," and Vicki was just "Ohhh whatevs! He was working!"

And the way that she said it, to me, wasn't all that accusatory, but because they are all so wildly insecure about the fact that they do not, in fact, have real jobs, the other men at the table were FURIOUS. Terribly insulted! We work, we work they insisted, while Vicki rolled her eyes and her engorged skin flaps waved sarcastically. All the men puffed up their chests and Gretchen started hollering about her makeup line and Porridgebowls howled about how she's raising three small children and takes "very good care" of her husband (wipes his bottom — which looks like two African elephant ears rolled up and smooshed together — and everything). Vicki turned to Hooters and said "Motherfucker, please," or at least I wish she had, and it was time to go. She and Donn fled into the night, never to return to that group (until next week). Vicki wept in the limo home about wanting to be liked by everyone, but Donn was all "Who gives a rat's ass?" and I like them together. I really like Donn.

Back at Lynn's disastrous party (Oh! Funny thing I forgot: The gourmet meal she was serving? The very important fancy one? Freaking sliders. Two little cheeseburgers. It was like they were at the hippest restaurant in downtown Indianapolis!), all the guests sat at the table and had one of those cathartic the-villain-just-left-the-room bitch sessions that just go over and over the same points until everyone is exhausted and maybe, just maybe, feels a little dirty. At this point Lynn had walked out to the porch, waved at Dustin, tromped down the stairs and wandered into the sea, so it was basically time to go home. Next week we'll deal with more Vicki stuff, I'm sure.

The next morning at Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Daughter, a conveniently filmed eviction notice guy knocked on the door, but Lynn wasn't home. He gave the notice to Racquel and said "You got served!" and then street-danced away while the poor teen just stood there befuddled. So Lynn's housewarming was really more of a housecooling, so that's mightily embarrassing. Next week we deal with the monster of her finances head on, and it looks not a little bit scary.

But at least they had that one big, dramatic night in their house. One chance to entertain. And though Vicki left in hot, angry tears and there had been much yelling, Lynn figured it was a success. As she bobbed out there that night in the midnight waves, she could see the other guests get up to leave. Bags and Ed floated away on their magic cloud, back to their perfect, sexy life. Tamra picked at the scab on her finger, liking the hurt of it, as she sat lazily and unsafely on the back of the Harley, Simon zooming too tight and too fast around corners. Gretchen and Doug didn't understand the strings of married life, they made the mistake that night of thinking themselves fancy free, bold and wild and young. In comparison to the rest of the group, maybe they were. But in the grand scheme, in the broader world, they are the same as the rest. They are all beautay and no beauty.

And then there was Dustin, packing up the remaining booze (very little was left), wrapping Saran around the limes and lemons and fancier garnish fruits. He waved goodbye to Sandy and that weird new girl Britches and got in his Mazda and drove home. Cheryl was coming over after her shift at the Macaroni Grill, so he had enough time to shower off the gin stink and pad into his room, past his roommate Randy who was asleep on the couch yet again, some old movie about motorcycles playing quietly and unwatched on the television.

He had drifted off a bit when Cheryl let herself in and curled up next to him in bed. "Hi," she said, pushing his hair off his forehead with her finger, that thing that she always does, that he always loves. "Hi," he whispered back. Cheryl smiled. "So how was it??" How was the big TV thing they'd been joking about ever since Dustin's manager Tony had told them they were catering a party for a Housewife. "Oh man," Dustin sighed, sort of at a loss for words. "It was... intense. It was..." He paused, trying to find the right way to say what he was feeling at that moment — about those women and their husbands, about the soft contours of Cheryl's face as she looked at him in the dim of his room, about the way he'd never felt so tied and connected to someone in his entire life, about how comfortable and safe and quiet he felt just then. He pulled her closer to him, hugged her tight. "Let's just never be them," he finally said. "That's all. Let's just never be them."

Cheryl laughed, a small breathy sound. "OK. Easy enough." She squeezed his hand and closed her eyes and soon they had both slid into sleep, just two people on a bed in California, the limitless ocean somewhere nearby, the moon pulling it close and then pushing it back, over and over and over again forever. This pair, moon and tide, never tired of dancing.

Anne Hathaway in British GQ

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:45:00 -0500

Because her chest makes me want to launch a war in Ancient Greece, here's Anne Hathaway in the latest issue of British GQ. If this spread is to help the world forget she dated an Italian con-man who pretended... ...read full story

Simon Monjack: 'Brittany didn't seem that sick'

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 12:40:00 -0500

After the results of Brittany Murphy's autopsy report were released yesterday, the smartest move Simon Monjack could've made at that point is to disappear behind whatever large object could effectively shield him from view. Instead he's going to con ...read full story

Harold Ford Superstar

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:50:00 -0500

Like Jay-Z and Lady Gaga, Harold Ford, Jr. has a tour rider. The former Tennessee congressman, who is now trying to carpetbag his way to a Senate seat in New York, banks about $20,000 when he gives a speech.

HBO Launches The Nikki Finke Show

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:43:42 -0500

HBO is developing a comedy about "a powerful female online showbiz journalist with a no-holds-barred style." We called our pal Nikki to ask if it's about her. It was, as always, a delightful conversation.

"Why are you so fucking fascinated with me?" Finke said. "Get a life." Our conversation with Finke was a rare on the record one, at our insistence. So we were delighted when she acknowledged, fully aware that she would be quoted, that in our last off the record conversation she threatened to sue your blogger personally and Gawker corporately for "unfair business practices" related to our coverage of her. When we explained that the lawsuit threat was the reason we refused to speak off the record, she said, "How do you know I won't? I'd love to own your house and your kids."

The show, from director Bill Condon and Tell Me You Love Me creator Cynthia Mort, will be a half-hour sitcom called Tilda. There's only one powerful online showbiz journalist with a no-holds-barred style that we can think of, and it's Nikki. Did she have anything to do with this show? Life rights? Consulting? Finke said she'll be posting to Deadline.com shortly explaining what relationship, if any, she has to the show. We'd be surprised if she didn't at least have some foreknowledge of it, since she reported yesterday that Condon has "some series business with HBO."

In the meantime, let's get to work on casting, shall we? We're thinking Gena Rowlands, or maybe Kathleen Turner, in the title role. Add your suggestions to comments. As for the rest of the cast—what cast? They just need a cat, a computer, and some voice actors to represent the outside world with which Finke is said to interact almost exclusively be telephone and e-mail. We've heard rumors that she's never actually met Jay Penske, the minimogul who is paying her ~~$15 million~~ some mythically large sum of money to terrorize Hollywood. When we asked Finke she'd ever been in the same room with Penske, this is what she had to say: "I'm not going to talk about my boss. You've got to be kidding me." IndieWire's Anne Thompson claims Finke hasn't met Michael Fleming, the Variety reporter she recently hired to be her New York bureau, but Finke says that's not true.

Oh, Nikki. What a charmer.

Lindsay Lohan is the Bruce Banner of drunks

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:40:00 -0500

Lindsay Lohan was on the warpath last night and reportedly threw a drink in Samantha Ronson's face after the two got into an argument at Crown Bar, according to RadarOnline: "Lindsay was drinking straight out of a bottle of... ...read full story

Friday Photo Fun XLVII

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:20:00 -0500

Today's "Friday Photo Fun" contest features mug shots of arrestees nabbed while wearing t-shirts featuring famous recording artists. Entrants must match up the perp with the performers on their respective chests.

Tiger Woods is cured!

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:50:00 -0500

Tiger Woods has completed his stay in rehab and just wants to get back to making millions of dollars which, when you think about it, is what got him here in the first place. PopEater reports: Woods, who has... ...read full story

Which Actress Is Drinking While Pregnant?

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:10:42 -0500

It's one thing to be a self-centered alcoholic, but at the expense of a child? This actor has it right, he's just obsessed with shouting his own name in bed. He's hurting no one—except his poor partner.

1. "I guess this actress is B- list. It's tough. She has been in some big movies and was the lead actress and has been in some big television shows too. But, she just doesn't feel like a B. Anyway, she has had some very public alcohol problems in the past. She told everyone she was clean now. Well, she isn't. She is drinking again and this is just after she and her girlfriend decided to have a baby. So, our actress is pregnant and drinking again. Not a great combination." [CDaN]

2. "When you are an action star, people naturally assume that you are as macho and confident in bed as you are on the screen. That's why it comes as a bit of a surprise to learn that not only is this actor terrible in bed, he's also very vocal about it. His former bedmate reports that in order for him to become fully engaged, she needs to shout his name over and over again while they are having sex. Even funnier is the revelation that if she stops doing it, our action star will begin shouting his own name over and over again." [Blind Items]

Ke$ha Did Not Deface the Hollywood $ign, Biznatches

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:05:20 -0500

Oh Ke$ha! The faux-drunken pop star with rotting Jack Daniels-teeth has released a new viral video in which she and her slinky friends change the famous Hollywood sign to say Ke$hawood. And people think it's real! It's clearly not.

Alas, Curbed. Sorry, Perez. Yes it is indeed fake, Vulture. Guys. The letters on the Hollywood sign are 45 feet tall. It is not remotely possible that a bitchy pop star in her underpants and an Indian headdress could — equipped only with a group of modelish fake friends and a few cans of spray paint — somehow hoist a giant tarp up and over the equivalent of a four story building in the middle of the night unmolested. She'd need a crane. When we asked a Gawker friend who lives right near the sign if he had seen it, his response was "Uh, no." Oh well. At least she's still sexxxy and flirty and fun. Or at least her people would really like us to think she is.

Fanookers and Doormats: Sprucing Up TV's Gay Characters

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 15:45:18 -0500

AfterElton put together a sadly hopeful little roundup of "gay" TV pilots currently in various stages of development today. It got us thinking about the current slate of gay folks on TV, and wishing for some new variations.

Though some annoying whiners might complain that there aren't enough gays on the TV these days, we're actually not doing that bad. Just new this season we've got the two dudes on Modern Family, Christine Baranski's character on The Good Wife *might* be a member of the Pink Ladies, and we're pretty sure that the Lost premiere revealed the Smoke Monster to be at least bisexual. But a lot of the characters tend to be sort of stale archetypes. Here are a few ideas for how to shake things up a bit.

The Lesbian Who Won't Kill You
Lesbians on TV are always such ball-busters aren't they? There was Michelle Forbes' flinty and fatally strict starship captain on Battlestar Galactica. Baranski's character is one of those tough old babes who's mostly just imperious and scary, not lovable. Elisabeth Rohm's ADA Southerlyn was mostly stern and no-nonsense on Law & Order, plus she only got to come out in her last episode (on getting fired: "Is this because I'm a lesbian?" The audience at home: "Whaaaa??"). So it'd be nice to see a nice lesbian, one who isn't just hardened and mean (so we understand that she's One Of The Boys). We're thinking we need something in the vein of the well-reviewed Sundance hit The Kids Are All Right. Not fakey sexed-up types like what were on The L Word. Just real, welcoming people. Who happen to be lesbians.

The Anti-Justin & The Anti-Jack
Justin Suarez on Ugly Betty is a cute little kid. He's all sway and sashay and self-denial-ay, with his love of fashion and divas and whatnot and his hatred of coming out. But it's all a little much sometimes. On the other end of the spectrum are characters like Jack McPhee from PBS' masterful Great Performances series Dawson's Creek. He was gay, but he acted like a Dude and played football and you wouldn't know he was gay unless you caught him suckin' mug with someone in a rowboat down by the crick. A more recent example would be Calvin and his fratbro boyfriend on Greek. It's cute, but in trying to buck a stereotype they're kind of just creating a new one. Palatable young gay males on TV are either gayer than Switzerland or golden-boy sportos. And some gays are like that in real life too. Yay diversity. But what if on TV we also got someone with a little more blend, who exists somewhere in the murky middle of the personality spectrum. The Marshall character on United States of Tara comes pretty close — the series is admirably blunt and unapologetic and unexploitative about his gayness, with nary a Coming Out episode to be found - but we'd like to see more of it. Really we're just asking for nuance.

Gay Adventurers!
Gay folks on the telly are usually relegated to supportive friend characters or outfrabulous recurring comedy acts. Usually they're featured on soft-touch family type series like Brothers & Sisters or on big breezy comedies. Which is great, good good good get 'em all on the air. But wouldn't it also be cool to see some filthy bugger brandishing a gun and kicking down Arab terror doors alongside Jack from The 24? Or solving crimes with the growing tundra of Christian Slater's forehead? Britain's had their dashing John Barrowman on Dr. Who/Torchwood for a few years now, and we think it's time the States had at least one of our own. We don't watch all the TV, so there could be one out there already, but if he or she exists, we haven't heard much about them. As for adding more, it's unlikely that they'll just suddenly make Mark Harmon a big old 'mo on NCIS or anything, so it'd likely have to be a new character or a new show. How about a sexy spy series with this British import? We'd all watch that.

The Real World: An Inquest into the Wasting of Perfectly Good Pizza

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 14:29:17 -0500

This is a transcript from a hearing of the Senate Pizza Responsibility Committee for an inquest into the wasting of two whole pies at a residence at 2000 S St, NW in Washington, D.C. The honorable Senator Joeseph Lieberman presiding.

Lieberman: We would like to welcome all eight of you to this hearing room to discuss what happened one night last summer when two perfectly good pizza pies met a horrible fate. The American people demand to know why you used these pies for something other than eating. It is a disgrace to this nation and reparations must be made. Ms. Ashley Criesalot, we will start with you. What happened on the night in question?

Ashley: We were all sitting around the house sharing some pizza in the pool room.

Lieberman: You have a pool?

Ashley: No, just a pool table, but we have a hot tub.

Lieberman: OK, please continue.

Ashley: Well, then I took some pizza and ripped it up into tiny bits and put it on Andrew's bed.

Lieberman: You mean, Mr. Andrew Pandahat?

Ashley: Yes, sir.

Lieberman: Why would you do something like that? Why would you tear up a delicious slice that was meant for eating, not for putting on beds?

Ashley: Because it was funny.

Lieberman: Funny? Would you think it was funny if I ripped up this piece of paper and put that on your bed?

Ashley: No, sir.

Lieberman: Why not?

Ashley: Because it's not a pizza.

Lieberman: Well, that is just a despicable act. What happened next.

Ashley: Then Andrew savagely attacked me with great...savageness and shoved the pizza in my face.

Lieberman: Mr. Pandahat, did you do this?

Andrew: I wouldn't call it a savage attack, it was more like honest retribution.

Lieberman: But why use an innocent slice of pizza for your retribution?

Andrew: I thought about licking her face, but I knew she would probably kill me if I did that, so I just used the pizza. But she totally freaked out about it. I mean, I was just pinning her down on a bed and rubbing food in her face. Don't you think that's funny?

Lieberman: No, Mr. Pandahat, I do not find the wanton abuse of food funny! Nor do I find your tactics especially appealing. Who can tell me what happens next?

Ty Bystander: Mr. Lieberman sir, I must say it's an honor to...

Lieberman: Shut up! Just tell me what happened.

Ty: We were sitting in the pool room and I was trying to make out with Emily and Ashley started to clean up the mess. Andrew was just stand there looking weird and waiting for her to approach him. When he did, he pushed her, sending the pizza boxes flying and he kept shoving her and chasing her around the room with the pizza boxes.

Lieberman: Were there still slices and crusts in the box?

Ty: Yes sir, but I was more worried about Ashley. She was clinging onto me for protection.

Lieberman: Why should you be concerned for her safety when there is food being wasted! Do you know that there are starving children across the world who could survive on the pizza crusts that you children just threw on the ground?

Ty: Well, it wasn't all of us, it was just Andrew!

Lieberman: Mr. Pandahat, how do you account for your actions.

Andrew: I was just trying to be funny. It was all a joke. Like my flip-up sunglasses.

Lieberman: Mr. Pandahat, are you one of those people who say "I'm just kidding" when you're really serious, but you want to hide your seriousness and violence behind jokes so you say, "I'm just kidding" when you're really not kidding at all.

Andrew: Yes, sir. Actually, no. I'm just kidding.

Lieberman: You're a special type of asshole aren't you.

Andrew: But I apologized!

Lieberman: To whom?

Andrew: To Ashley. I eventually just joked around and put a strainer on my head until she had to forgive me and now we're friends again. And then I tried to have sex with her.

Lieberman: I don't care about that, but did you apologize to the pizza?!

Andrew: No, why should I?

Lieberman: That you don't know is the reason we are all today, Mr. Pandahat. So, what about the rest of you? Where were you when this happened. Erika Ima Rocker and Joshua Invisaline. What were you doing when this occurred.

Erika: Your honor our story lines weren't featured that weak.

Josh: Yeah.

Lieberman: Unacceptable. If you just stand by and watch the product of so much hard work by so many pizza bakers in D.C. go to waste, then you are as un-American as an apple pie that someone has stepped on. What about you Callie Lensman?

Callie: I was getting my resume ready for my interview at The Washington Blade.

Lieberman: Isn't that a homosexual newspaper? Isn't it run by Kevin Naff?

Callie: Yes, that's who I interviewed with.

Lieberman: Well, I'm glad that horrible thing is dead. I once had a run in with Kevin Naff when he called me a near-sighted homophobe. Can you believe that?

Callie: No. He just talked to me a lot about Janet Jackson.

Lieberman: Janet Jackson! Disgusting! Did you take the internship?

Callie: Yes, and I had to go to a gay bar and I met lots of really nice gay people and Mike even hooked up with this really cute guy. You should be nicer to gay people.

Lieberman: Michael H.R.C. Fakeinternship, are you a homosexual?

Mike: Yes and I think you are being...

Lieberman: Enough! You will not speak for the rest of this hearing.

Mike: But sir, I think...

Lieberman: Close your mouth or I will have you locked up. So, how was this whole pizza business resolved.

Ashley: Well, after spending a night in a hotel and three days moping in a chair, I decided to forgive Andrew.

Lieberman: Why did you forgive that pizza-hating prick?

Ashley: I didn't really forgive him. I will never be close to him because he won't open up. I need all friends to share their deepest darkest secrets and aspirations with me in order to feel safe. That and they shouldn't beat me up for no good reason.

Lieberman: That is true. No man should treat a woman like that. It is no wonder he never gets laid.

Andrew: Mr. Lieberman, sir. I would like to explain.

Lieberman: Shut up! You shall explain nothing but how you are going to make up for this atrocity that has damaged the self-worth of Italian delicacies the world over.

Andrew: I can buy a new pizza.

Lieberman: No. You are hereby all banned from ever eating pizza again. Apparently you can not be trusted from letting it utter ruin your entire lives. This homosexual-infested hearing is over! Please, leave. And next time, order a cheese steak.

Model Misbehavior

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 10:55:00 -0500

Just in time for Fashion Week, a top male model is facing criminal charges after allegedly offering sexual favors to Arkansas cops in return for his release following an arrest for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.

Cops Seek Melon Felons

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:00:00 -0500

An attempt to smuggle contraband into a Washington jail failed this week when law enforcement officials discovered Oxycodone pills and tobacco hidden inside a hollowed-out cantaloupe.

The Pot Cookie Defense

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:00:00 -0500

A San Francisco man arrested Sunday for disrupting a cross-country flight told FBI agents that he was high on "double his normal dose" of marijuana cookies, which he obtained via a medical marijuana card.

Drugs, Nudity...And The Jonas Brothers?

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:00:00 -0500

And you thought a Jonas Brothers concert was a wholesome affair populated by screaming girls and their more somber parental chaperones.

"Situation" Wanted

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:00:00 -0500

For the first time in the republic's history, government officials are being asked to grant a trademark for the nickname a man has given to his abdominal muscles, records show.

Teddy And The Magic Mushrooms

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 11:00:00 -0500

Photographs of a teddy bear altered by drug traffickers to house 11 bags of hallucinogenic mushrooms.

Mug Shots Of The Week 1/29/2010

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:00:00 -0500

That is a t-shirt, not Hulk hands, on the Georgian who leads off this week's mug shot roundup.

Bid To Quash John Edwards Sex Tape

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 11:40:00 -0500

John Edwards's ex-mistress is seeking to suppress what appears to be a sex tape featuring her and the disgraced politician, according to court records.

Kids Face Felony Sexting Charges

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:20:00 -0500

Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.

False Rape Claim Over Bad Sex

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 15:25:00 -0500

Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.

Cops: Man Went Gaga For "Teen"

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 15:25:00 -0500

When a registered sex offender recently arrived at an Ohio home for a planned tryst with a 15-year-old girl he met on the Internet, the man was carrying two items to be used during their illicit encounter.

School Outlaws "Sexual Bending"

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 18:00:00 -0500

Like many educators nationwide, administrators at a Wisconsin high school are aiming to curb risque moves at an upcoming school dance.

Good Riddance, James von Brunn

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 11:00:00 -0500

Bureau of Prisons mug shot of James von Brunn, the 89-year-old white supremacist who last year allegedly went on a shooting spree at the Holocaust museum in Washington, D.C.

Nancy Grace Camera Shy?

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:00:00 -0500

Television host Nancy Grace, who has made a career of berating people live on the air, is worried that her videotaped deposition this week in a wrongful death lawsuit might be leaked to the media.

Gary Coleman, Andy Dick Mug Shots

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:00:00 -0500

Booking photos for recently arrested comedians Gary Coleman and Andy Dick have been added to our mug shot gallery.

Mug Shots Of The Week 1/22/2010

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:00:00 -0500

In recognition of Sunday's NFL conference championship games, this week's mug shot roundup opens with a dozen New York Jets fans busted while wearing Gang Green's colors.